When I got divorced, 17 years ago, I thought it would be an easy adjustment. The decision to split was mutual, it was handled amicably, and we had neither children nor significant property to complicate the agreement.
At first I felt liberated. A couple of months later, it hit me. I got depressed and I did stupid things, all the while denying that it had anything to do with being divorced.
The takeaway is: any change that dramatic is hard to adapt to, no matter what your mind says. If you’re going through a breakup and you’re on this website, you’ll be getting lots of good advice about taking care of yourself during that difficult period of adjustment.
I have only one thing to add, and it’s about love. Even if you’re glad to be rid of your ex, even if your mind says it was the right thing to do, and even if everyone around you assures you that all will be well in time, you will still feel that there is a big gap in your heart. There is. You will feel longing and yearning and loneliness. You will probably think that what you long for is someone to love you. And you do. We all do. We want to be loved.
But you might want to think about turning the equation on its head. Maybe what you need even more is someone to love. That realization hit me a few months after meeting my present wife, about three years after my divorce. Someone who spent time with the two of us noticed how affectionate my then-girlfriend was.
Afterward, that friend said, “It must feel good to be loved again.” I couldn’t agree more. But I thought about it, and I found myself saying, “But you know what’s even better? Feeling safe enough to love again.”
Time had passed. The right person had come along. And my heart, which had been locked up for self-protection like a vault, opened up again. That felt even better than the affection I was receiving. It’s loving – unselfish, uncomplicated, unguarded loving – that expands us and fulfills us the most, even more than being loved by another person.
So, while you’re healing and hoping to meet a soul mate, find safe outlets for the love that’s in your heart. Play with children, not just your own if you have them but others. Spend time with close friends. Visit beloved family members. Do volunteer work with people in need. Hang out with animals. Linger in nature. Whatever stirs the love. It will help fill the void you feel, and it will keep you in shape for the next intimate relationship.
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