Loneliness is recognized as a growing health problem. Isolation has been shown to adversely affect the cardiovascular system and implicated in depression. The internet and TV continue to build a higher wall. A broad research study from the University of Chicago Medical Center has found the root cause of loneliness and so, the treatment. The surprising findings: Addressing loneliness is not about attending support groups with other lonely people or teaching better social skills. Rather loneliness can be healed by improving one’s self-esteem – creating a more positive self-perception in relation to others.
This is a new approach to an old problem. Loneliness is really about the relationship one has with the self. Consider telling a person who feels he or she doesn’t measure up to others to engage in a social activity! Their response would be: “This party is out of my league. Everyone will ignore me.” “I can’t take a class at the gym. Everybody is so much better and will laugh at me.” “I lost my job. I feel ashamed. Everyone else is so successful.” But that’s exactly what professionals have been doing – telling the unworthy to “Go on, get out there and mingle.” And this is why lonely people are still lonely.
A lonely person needs to reconnect with the self. If one is unhappy with the self, all other relationships will be filled with unhappiness.
Warning signs of impending loneliness:
* You are hungry for compliments, external validation.
* When you get a compliment, you believe it is phony.
* You have trouble receiving a gift, “You shouldn’t have…”
* You are sensitive to criticism. You ruminate about a negative remark.
* You have a stern inner critic telling you that you are not good enough and who replays your failures.
* You have trouble tolerating your imperfections.
* Asking for help is a problem and you seldom ask.
* You feel that you are missing something other people have.
It’s time to go the counterintuitive route to return to center. This means retool the self to become a “healthy narcissist.” Begin with the physical: Eat right, exercise, carve out time for things you love doing and take care of your appearance for yourself, not for others.
Next, it’s time for emotional metamorphosis. Recreate who you are: Reviving what you wish for and aspire to be. Note that the Native American Indian had a totem pole of concrete carvings to transmit unique identity. Try implementing this concept on a smaller scale. Special possessions transmit and enhance your status to you as well as to others. This doesn’t mean that a spending spree is involved in order to brand yourself. Instead focus on your signature look, color, fragrance and accessory. And please be careful how you speak to yourself – no more self-deprecating remarks. Speak to yourself the way you would to a friend.
To feel less lonely you have to truly enjoy your own company.
great article, Debbie.
i should be shocked that the medical community is only now concluding that loneliness is about ones association with self. i couldn't agree more. i had no idea that this was not common knowledge. but, i feel that the medical community is still a little confused on the symptoms. these symptoms are a sign of a social meme, not unlike a disease that tells us what 'normal is'. while a person is controlled by this social meme to fit in, and perceives oneself outside of this social 'norm', the result is the 'outsider' effect. the outsider effect is a product of the meme relating to social acceptance, not loneliness. these symptoms are a sign of the existence of social profiling. it says much more about the condition of society than it does about the individual exhibiting these 'symptoms'. an individual who prefers silence over music and solitude over crowds is considered to have a personality disorder. no amount of self-confidence is going to change this 'diagnosis'. the feeling of loneliness versus a feeling of disassociation with the social norm are two completely different psychological phenomena. get rid of this meme and you get rid of the symptoms. this is much easier said than done. the symptoms themselves are not treatable.
i agree with your antidotes regarding self-awareness and self-validation. proper nutrition, proper exercise, proper rest, and self-introspection are key aspects of a healthy lifestyle leading to well-being. loving yourself is important and ultimately will lead to more fulfillment and happiness. however, loving yourself is not necessarily going to win you a popularity contest within your social environment.
as you so eloquently write, acceptance and appreciation of oneself is what really matters.