Tag Archives: abandonment

The Gifts Within Anxiety And Depression


When you feel anxious or depressed, do you try to get rid of these feelings, or do you learn from them?

Getting rid of anxiety and depression is big business – especially for the pharmaceutical companies. Drug sales for anti-anxiety meds and antidepressants are huge. This is very sad to me, because, while there are circumstances where these meds are medically called for, much of the time they are prescribed in an effort to simply get rid of our painful feelings. The problem with this is that it leaves us without the roadmap we need to navigate life in a loving, meaningful and joyful way.

Anxiety and depression have major information for us. Let’s compare these feelings to the pain you would feel if you grabbed a hot pan with your bare hand or cut your finger slicing your veggies.

The physical pain of the hot pan or the knife cut is giving you important information. It’s telling you to STOP DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING! If you numbed your hand before grabbing the pan or cutting the veggies, you could badly burn your hand or badly injure your finger. We NEED these painful feelings to let us know when we are doing something that is harmful to us.

The same is true of anxiety and depression.

What might these feelings be telling you?

One of the main things they are telling you is that you are abandoning yourself in some way. There are many forms of self-abandonment that result in anxiety or depression: Continue reading

Letting Go of Fear of Abandonment

abandomentHi guys.  Today I want to talk a little bit about the topic of letting go of our fears of abandonment.  I think it’s a really important subject when delving into love addiction and co-dependency, and fear of abandonment is one of the main things that prevents people from getting out of unhealthy relationships.

The idea of being abandoned is scary.  Nobody wants to be left alone to fend for themselves.  As humans, we are social creatures, and having other people and even animals in our lives is comforting and part of being human.  The issue then, is when our fear of being alone – a reasonable fear – becomes so deep that it prevents us from being independent.  We can be independent people without having to give up healthy relationships.  What we have to strive for there is balance. Continue reading

My Life With Binge Eating – And the Path to Recovery

338/365 - 9/11/2011To an outsider it might appear that my day was just like any other college student. I got up, went to my morning class, grabbed lunch with a friend, went to my afternoon class, worked out at the gym, did some home work, ate dinner, chatted with friends, got a late night snack then went to bed.

But that façade was far from reality. In fact, I was struggling all day to keep my composure, and desperately trying to hide the fact that I hated myself. I had fallen into a nasty cycle. I would go to bed with my stomach filled to the brim with over 5,000 calories worth of desserts and fried foods. I would wake up ravished and hating myself for needing to eat after the type of dinner I had. So I would try to go as long as possible without eating, and aim to eat only 500 calories a day. My thought process was – if I ate over 5,000 calories yesterday, I should have enough fuel in my body to last me three days. My starvation definitely slowed my weight gain but I still inevitably gained 15 pounds in as little as three months.

The worst part was, I had absolutely no control. NONE. People would look at me like I was crazy when I told them I couldn’t stop myself from eating. Why can’t you just stop when you’re full? They didn’t understand that stuffing my face wasn’t a choice for me. It was a necessity. My hands were not attached to my mind, and I could only stop when I felt so full I wanted to puke. During a binge attack, half of my mind would try to reason why it was okay to eat a whole box of Oreos. The other half of my mind would hate myself and hate the fact that I had no control. There was not an ounce of compassion in my bones. I found myself devouring a whole large pizza, or three whole entrees, or an entire large bag of potato chips. It’s rather astounding how much food my stomach could fit. And the greasier, cheesier or chocolaty the food was – the better.

I do not remember the exact day but I do remember the period of my life when I started having these binge attacks. I was in my second semester in college, and my first real boyfriend and I broke up. I was heartbroken beyond belief, and the sense of abandonment I felt was equal to when I thought my father had abandoned me so many years ago. In reality, my mom divorced my father and moved us to the United States. But to a 7-year-old, all I knew was that my dad was no longer there.

My binges occurred in waves and was never severe enough that I could be officially diagnosed with a binge eating disorder. But that doesn’t take away from the gravity of my situation. My self-loathing only escalated as time after time I would find myself pigging out in front of the fridge. Friends and family tried to help but I knew how to keep my eating a secret. I constantly felt judged and shame ran deep in my veins. WHY ME?!? So many other people in this world have it worse than me, so why do I punish myself? I worried that people would think I was incapable of handing life, and in fact, I did not feel capable at all! No one understood what I  was going through. I was more alone than ever. And so I ate.

I decided to start counseling a month after my first binge and 5 years later I am just starting to understand the triggers behind my binge. The difficulty with this type of disorder, at least for me, is that there is not one cause. A variety of different factors play into my disorder, and its difficult to understand it myself, let alone describe it to others.

What I can tell you is that my binges come more often when I am insecure. When I am lonely. When I feel scared. I was forced to grow up quickly, and to protect myself I was never attuned to what I was feeling. When my boyfriend and I broke up, my heart was ripped oven and all the emotions I repressed since I was a little girl came out. And I couldn’t handle it. So I searched for something to make me feel okay again, and I found food. The feeling of fullness and heaviness was the grounding I so desperately needed.

Food is a tough drug of choice because unlike alcohol, you need food to survive. I cannot abstain from food. The battle happens everyday I sit down with a plate in front of me.

In my sessions, I learned that the most important first step was to find compassion for myself. For the little girl inside me who was terrified of the world. In my seemingly endless binge cycle, it was hard to do. But I started to read books about other people with this problem, and it brought comfort to know I was not alone. Slowly but surely compassion came, and a few times I was even grateful for my disorder. My binges were my body’s way of telling me that I was feeling lonely, overwhelmed, powerless and abandoned. How lucky I am to have such an aware body! Now I just have to get my mind there BEFORE my body finds the need to be comforted through food.

It has been quite some time now since I’ve had a huge binge. In the five years since I first started binging, I have learned to be a little less judgmental. A little nicer to myself. And being nicer to myself includes working on the inner critic as well as letting go of what my diet “should” look like. Allowing myself to eat whatever I want has given me the freedom to eat healthier foods as well as enjoy chocolate here and there. The key is to let go of the guilt.

It’s been a long journey of self-hatred, self-love, suffering and compassion. And I know the journey is far from over. I am still learning how to have a normal relationship with food. I am still learning to treat my disorder as a gift from God. I am still learning that no one is perfect, no one is put together, and all we can do is the best we can at every moment. And I am still learning that self-forgiveness is the most powerful key you can hold in life.

But I also know that because of this disorder, I am stronger than ever. I have faith in life. And if the binge comes again, then so be it. I cannot be scared about the future. Life is a roller coaster and that’s what makes it exciting and livable. And as long as I open myself up to my feelings, and do not allow fear to consume me, then I know I have grown.

We are all imperfect beings trying to live a perfect life. Let me be the first to say – I do not wish to live the perfect life. I just wish to accept my life exactly as it is. That is the true gift of God.


Habits – The Inspiration & Meaningful Emulation, The Reward & IF The *Reckless Abandon – The Price
* Reckless abandon denotes the disregard for consequences / the deliberate ignorance
Habits can either be productive or counter productive, depending upon the habitual patterns adopted and persistently pursued.
Acknowledging either and simply moving on will yet bring back the reminder time and again to reflect upon the habitual patterns; whether they are serving oneself or whether one is commanding them wisely.
Nature & Time – Repeatedly Encourage Good, Meaningful & Responsible Habits
Nature and Time will both encourage each and every Person to deviate from the bad vices / habits and adopt/implement a Good / Meaningful habit disciplined regimen /etiquette / protocol
Hearing / Listening
The voice of time can either be heard and ignored or ‘Listened” to and understood for what significant it is meaningfully intending to alert one against.
Please kindly note
It is a sincere request and appeal to whom it may concern,
– not to defy Time;
– not to defy the Natural principles;
– NEVER defy the very most important aspect of Life which is *Family and Society Values;
– never to neglect observance of conventional etiquette / protocol relating to Laws and Regulations; always and always COMPLY with the respective Laws and Regulations stringently / very strictly.
Tribute – The Highest and Most Valuable Respected Treasure / Family and Society Values
*The very Highest Respect, Dignity, Admiration, Adoration, Reverence, ** Salute always to Family and Society Values; always the very most important aspect of our Life, it is our Family and our Society that provides us the privileges; we need to reciprocate this and extend the goodness / happiness all across the World
** Salute
This tribute / salute / highest admiration and respect is accorded with humble reverence and utmost respect to Mothers all across the World since Mothers teach us the very finest values and principles in Life always
Deliberate Refrainment
I have deliberately refrained from specifying each and every habit since it is my sincere and cherished hope that meaningful reason will prevail and the concerned who might be able to amend their respective life style and enhance the scope of every aspect inspiringly, meaningfully, constructively, enthusiastically, enterprisingly, energetically, motivatingly, admirably, aspiringly, meaningful intentionally – all the good virtues, all the goodness for one and all.
The reason for avoiding mention of each and every bad habit is also due to one factor that when one is berated and only reminded of one aspect repeatedly, this gets ingrained and apparently lot of influence/reference is being attributed to the unwanted factor inadvertently/ignorantly/unknowingly; although the sincere wish is to help eradicate the bad habits with a systematic, meaningful and constructive approach.
Indulgence is Good Unto a Certain Point
This relates to focusing upon instituting a healthy / well balanced diet and an balanced work regimen accompanied along with a disciplined physical activity regimen; all on a well balanced basis / synchronized synergism.
Every Day is Beautiful and Encouraging; Inspiring and Meaningfully Encouraging us Always hope, wish and pray for Universal Peace, Welfare, Happiness, Development, Wisdom, Prosperity and Progress consistently.
Sarve Bhavantu Sukhina; Sarve Bhavantu Sukhina
May One and All be Happy;
May One and All have well-being
May Happiness be showered on all;
May One and All be Healthy
O Lord Protect us
O Lord Guide us
O Lord Grant us Wisdom
O Lord Lead us from darkness to Light (From ignorance to Knowledge)
O Lord May there be Universal Peace, Happiness, Prosperity and Progress
Best Wishes,
Vashi Ram Chandi
These words is/are NOT intended to offend or hurt the sentiments of any Person(s) whatsoever. They are being expressed in good faith and with sincere meaningful intentions. If any detail(s) is / are found to be objectionable for any reason whatsoever, it would be very much appreciated if the concerned could be communicated accordingly.
This information has been featured in good faith with meaningful intentions relating to inspiration for one and all as well as for informational purposes only.
 Repeat, this information has been featured in good faith for informational purposes only. Henceforth, any interpretation construed/understood – as well as any actions taken remains entirely/completely the responsibility of the concerned to whom it may pertain to; and if further communicated or reviewed, the concerned responsibility remains with the concerned to who it may pertain to accordingly.
In NO event whatsoever shall featuring of this  information make me liable or responsible for damages of any nature whatsoever, resulting from the use of or reliance upon or communication / propagation / transmission of the information featured herewith.

Who is abandoned here?

This week I’ve been visiting members of my family: adult children & 3 grand-angels before I move out of the area.  It’s heart wrenching. 

"It is never any good dwelling on goodbyes. It is not the being together that it prolongs, it is the parting." ~  Elizabeth Charlotte Lucy Bibescu

Thank God for the internet & webcams. I had hoped to be able to be a ‘snowbird’ & fly back every three months for visits with them & doctors. Unfortunately that has become cost prohibitive since our income has been substantially diminished. Since I have a number of health issues that require specialists, it’s sometimes difficult to find a doctor who can listen to what I’m saying.  I’m a whole person, not just a series of symptoms & I’ve lived with these conditions for quite some time. 

I will readily admit that sometimes chronic pain does test my philosophy of "Joy is a Choice".  Nevertheless I continue to remain determinedly optimistic the largest percentage of the time. Stress exacerbates lupus & any other autoimmune disease. 

Condensing 30 years worth of ‘things’ into the size that will fit into a 22′ U-haul truck is a bit stressful.  I never want to allow that much accumulated papers & junk in my house again, so this move is really a blessing in disguise. 

I’ll move forward & upward & continue to pray & maintain a calm center within for retreat regardless of what is going on around me.

I had hoped to retire where I am, but that was no longer economically feasible.  It’s difficult for me to leave the green beauty of the Pacific Northwest. 

I keep telling myself: "Plants have roots, people have legs" & I know I will bloom where I’m planted. I hope not to dry into a shriveled prickly cactus. Big Smile!

I feel like I’m abandoning my family even though they are self-sufficient adults, except of course for the grandchildren, but, enough said of that. Anyone who has left behind loved ones knows this aching sensation of temporary loss.

Enough of speaking ‘whian-ese’, nobody really wants to hear a whiner. I will experience cyberspace withdrawal for a few weeks so please keep me in your prayers. 

I’ll be spending the Thanksgiving holiday alone for the 1st time in 30 years, but my first order of business when I arrive at my destination is to be completely THANKFUL! 

I hope each of you have a blessed weekend full of love, calm & peace.  Injoy:) Carolyn

"The human state is not about being perfect. We are in this life to learn to grow. We do so best by finding the Universe’s plan for us and following it. It is by no means easy.
Yet learning, growing overcoming, and then experiencing transformation, can be one of life’s greatest joys. It certainly makes life interesting." ~ Eileen Caddy

"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." ~ John Quincy Adams

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