I have traveled all over the world to lecture on love, relationships, romance and sexuality and one of the universal similarities we all have in common are inhibitions. They are self-imposed restrictions on one’s behavior and they come from our subconscious mind. Our mind is predisposed to the way we were raised so it’s not surprising that many people have inhibitions based upon negative influences, repression and societal restraints on sexual behavior.
For example, many women suffer from the “good girl syndrome” because they were taught that only “bad girls” will do a striptease for their lover, masturbate, give oral, have anal or even initiate sex when they want it. Women are often raised with shame and guilt about their body so they are inhibited about the size or shape of their breasts, the look and smell of their vagina, losing control during orgasm and of course asking for what they want in bed.
Male inhibitions are different but can be just as unhealthy. For example, many men were taught not to show their feelings because it’s a sign of weakness. Men are inhibited about the size of their penis because they’ve been taught that size does matter, some men think that a woman’s vagina should smell like spring flowers or autumn rain, men hate asking for directions so why would they ever ask their lover what pleases them? Apparently a man should know what a woman wants and so the list of inhibitions goes on.
It’s no wonder so many couples are sexually frustrated. If you can’t talk about what turns you on, then you can’t expect your lover to read your mind. After all, you wouldn’t dream of not telling a waiter how you like your steak cooked because you don’t want to ruin a good piece of meat, then why would you risk the demise of a good relationship by not talking about what you want in bed?
The best solution that I’ve found for overcoming any inhibition is to simply face it. It is my belief that you will always have regrets if you don’t overcome obstacles. A life with regrets is a life that has not fully been realized, experienced and enjoyed. If you can shed your inhibitions with the one you love, you will find a much stronger connection in your relationship. On the same note, if you can shed your inhibitions with yourself, you will have the opportunity to discover and explore parts of you that you may never have known existed.
Breaking Down the Walls
Becoming totally open and aware of your likes and dislikes is the first step to breaking down inhibition walls that may be standing in your way of experiencing complete intimate gratification. It can also help you to trust yourself and others on a level that maybe you have never imagined. When you know yourself and feel confident in what you expect of yourself and others, doors you may have never even known were there can open. Once new doors open, you then have more choices and the opportunity to expand your personal
Every day we wake up and most of us have a daily routine that we are used to and essentially play out as if it were the script to our life. Although this script has become our comfort zone, is one that we have memorized and followed, when we are engrossed in that routine it can pigeonhole us and in some cases rob us of a life filled with adventure, intrigue, and experience. Part of discovering and releasing inhibitions can offer an opportunity for to veer off that beaten path and just for a while escape from an everyday
redundant routine. This is your chance to write your own script through direct knowledge of what makes you feel happy and excited. Break down the walls of predictability, make some positive changes and empower yourself because you are in control.
Boundaries empower us to determine how we’ll be treated by others so define your sexual and emotional boundaries by limiting what is safe and appropriate for you sexually and emotionally. For example, a sexual boundary could be that you don’t have intercourse on a first date and you never have intercourse without a condom. An emotional boundary could be that you never say, “I love you” to someone unless you really mean it. Boundaries also include who we interact with sexually and the consequences of that interaction both of which are your choices. Having boundaries can bring order to our lives and as we have a clear vision of our boundaries we can overcome our inhibitions too.
Just like inhibitions, boundaries are formed early on and we learn about them by the way that we are treated. We can teach our boundaries to others by refusing to hug someone, refusing to go all the way sexually or refusing to be emotionally abused by someone who is calling us names and being disrespectful. Once you allow someone to step over your personal boundaries, this is called boundary violation and it can become an endless cycle of emotional and physical pain. Consequently, I encourage everyone to set their own boundaries through self-awareness and knowledge. Here are some tips on how to accomplish that:
- Be aware of what arouses you
- Be knowledgeable about your body and its biological changes
- Give yourself permission to surrender to pleasure because you are worthy of it
- Take responsibility for your own orgasm; don’t expect someone to give it to you
- Share your sexual turn ons with your lover
- Communicate your wants, needs, desires and fears with your lover
- Share your fantasies with your lover
This is an excerpt from The Loveologist Guide to Inhibitions by Dr. Ava Cadell. Visit The Loveology University Bookstore to find a wealth of resources, including e-books and audiobooks, to help you have a richer and more fulfilling sex life.