Tag Archives: disappointment

Intent of the Day: Feel the Disappointment

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We put plenty of focus on how to find and stay happy. We celebrate happiness and it’s understandable that we would want to stay in a place of joy and goodness, but that isn’t the only emotion that will come across our place over the course of a lifetime. Part of the gift of being alive is the gift of being able to feel both the highs and the lows- to know disappointment means that we at one time hoped so big. To feel loss means we first had. To struggle means we know what it means to feel content and ease, and while we do not wish to spend any more time than we have to at the bottom of despair, we want to honor those feelings just as much as we would the ones that feel positive. Those emotions are real and indicate important information about what matters to us.

Our intent is to let ourselves feel our disappointment.

You too? Here are 3 things to help: Continue reading

Life is Like That: How Letting Go Lets You See the Next Opportunity

celebrate-00031352271433You wanted that job – you thought you were the best candidate. You interviewed like a pro. You had letters of recommendation. You know the industry. Then you heard that they chose someone else. Life’s like that.

You saved and saved to go on the cruise of a lifetime – to the very places you have always wanted to go. While on the trip, a hurricane develops in area the ship was planning to go and you are forced to go to the places you have already been – not the exciting places you dreamed of seeing. Life’s like that.

That job that you thought you wanted and didn’t get made you available for a better job that you didn’t previously know about. Going back to searching for jobs, you saw a job that is an even better fit for you – your talents, interests and passions. You interviewed and now have the job of your dreams. Life’s like that.

You break up with someone who has been in your life for years. Though the relationship hasn’t been amazing, it also has been bad. You know you have settled but you felt it was always better to have an average someone than an amazing nobody. But now available, you meet that amazing person who finds you equally amazing. Life’s like that.

Life is as it is. But, we come to it with our expectations – that somehow life should deliver to us exactly what we want and if not, we are disappointed. We take it personally. We think there is some cosmic plan to get us or feel that we must have done something wrong that is now being held against us. We think life is a battle – that there are wins and losses, successes and failures. When really what is happening is that life simply just is.

Life is our classroom. When life goes our way, we celebrate. Celebration is good for the spirit and soul. We develop greater gratitude, energy and passion. And when life doesn’t go our way, we use the event to learn to be better and more capable next time. We can develop greater resilience, endurance and patience. We can develop greater empathy, determination and focus.

If we spend our time getting upset with the things in life that don’t work out, we use all our great energy staying stuck in disappointments instead of allowing life to be, and watching for new opportunities. Life’s events are not personal. It’s a classroom. We are always gathering information to respond in a great, successful and grateful way regardless of what happens. There is always the next moment for something amazing if we watch for it. If we close our minds and our hearts, we’ll miss that next opportunity.

As a greatness coach, I help people discover their unique abilities – their intrinsic greatness – and learn how to show up great, confident, and authentic to what life shares with them. The greatest challenge I see for myself and my clients is that our expectations always seem to color the events in our lives. We ride the highs and the lows. And depending on which place we are at the moment – the high or the low – determines if we love or hate life.

But the only way to live life is to love it. To see its value requires us to shift our perspective from the expectations that life should be as we need them to be, to one where life is as life is – and how it shows up is how we will show up back to it. Tough times will make us stronger. Great times will help us celebrate. Both are our choice. And constant in this choice is that no matter what happens, we realize that life’s like that. It’s not personal – it just is. And when we get to that realization, we don’t need to be overwhelmed by any moment. We then have the awareness to use our best energy to find value and be part of the next amazing life moment.

5 Steps to Rise From Disappointment

“I can’t believe she did that to me. What did I do to deserve this? I can’t depend on anybody anymore.”

Sound familiar? Chances are we’ve all uttered these, and there’s no question that we’ve all been let down. Disappointment and hurt can harden our hearts against trust, result in a negative outlook, heck, even make us question the goodness of humanity as a whole. But there is a bright side. Here, some tips for how to make it through disappointment and come out the other side stronger, positive and inspired.

1. Avoid the drama. Whether the disappointment is due to an act of carelessness or a major heartwrencher, the first thing to do is to step away from any related drama. Situations of conflict have the potential to expand or shrink depending on the amount of attention we give them. In order to move forward, you’ve got to let the situation diffuse. This means that as tempting as it may be to press for a resolution, explanation, apology, whatever it is that you think you need for closure, the best course in the interim is to honor the yogic practice of detachment. Of course, this is easier in theory than in practice, but stepping away is critical for you to process the turn of events in your heart and mind without the emotional upheaval and energy vacuum that drama yields.

2. Recognize that it’s not about you. Human nature has us react first from a place of ego that would have us believe that everything is personal and encourages taking on the role of a victim. Be on the lookout for this defeating self-talk and resist the trap of self-blame, self-doubt, any of those unpleasant responses founded in the ego. Consider that there are a host of factors beyond you and beyond your control that were likely at work here. What, you’re not in complete and utter control?! Hard to believe, I know, especially when we pretend otherwise!

3. Give yourself time and permission to heal. When you’ve been hurt, there are no expectations for a high-speed recovery – except for those that you put on yourself. Remind yourself that your feelings are valid and that it’s okay to have some days that aren’t all rainbows and unicorns. While you’re healing your heart, surround yourself with activities and people you love, nurture your body and soul, and do something, anything, to help others – the fastest route out of self-absorption and into perspective and gratitude.

4. Reflect on your expectations of others. This one can be tricky, as you shouldn’t expect the worst of everyone because someone close to you has, in your mind, failed you. But you can consider whether you project unrealistic expectations onto those you admire and hold dear. Maybe you hold people to an exceptionally high standard that is difficult for them to meet. While we should expect to be treated fairly, truthfully and respectfully, we can also use these life lessons of being let down to examine how we react when others confirm that they too are human and capable of making mistakes. At the same time, we can consider our own vulnerability to disappointing others, and harness this experience to improve our relationships as needed.

5. Put the experience to good use. Once some time has passed and you’ve managed to process the letdown, put the experience to good use.. Use it to motivate you instead of allowing it to harden your heart or lead you to expect the worst; in other words, seek the positive of your situation. Let it teach you what you don’t want to do to someone else. Perhaps the disappointment inspires you to try something new or take a different approach, revise your goals, assess your relationships, clear who and what no longer serve you from your life– all opportunities for positive growth. While you may not feel like the proverbial phoenix at first, you can indeed rise above disappointment and use it as inspiration for becoming your best self.

Please comment below with a positive outcome of what looked at first to be only disappointment!

photo by: ralpe

Are You Scared of Success?

By: Terri Cole

It is safe to say most of us have some fear of failure. It makes sense. No one wants to be defeated, let down, or embarrassed.

Interestingly enough, Fear of Success is the other side of the same coin. We are not as open to sharing our fear of success partly because, on the surface, it does not make sense. It is, however, a common fear.

Being successful comes with it’s own set of emotional issues. There are obvious issues, like the pressure to continue on your upwardly mobile path and maintain it once you arrive, but there are also more subtle issues. Feeling guilty or threatened by becoming more successful than your parents, your friends, or your spouse is rarely discussed but is a common occurrence. These fears can inspire feelings of isolation and fear of abandonment.

My husband Victor is first generation American and the oldest son of Eastern European parents. He is a successful illustrator and combat artist. His first year out of Parsons School of Design, he made more money than his father had during most of his career. Vic felt terribly guilty about being more successful than his Dad, which led him to minimize his accomplishments. None of us wants to lose the love of a parent for any reason. This fear can negatively impact your actual success.

Another common area in which fear of success arises is in romantic relationships, especially among women. When I was single in New York City years ago, I found my success and financial independence created tension in some relationships, until I met Victor. Sometimes the issue was with me, feeling compelled to downplay my accomplishments so the man I was dating would not feel threatened. Other times, I felt resentment for dimming my light to appease the ego of another.

My dating experience inspired a fear of success. If my star continued to rise, would I end up with a fabulous life and no one to share it with? It is not surprising that I drew Vic to me once I decided that I had created an extraordinary life and would rather be single than in a less than extraordinary relationship. This decision came as a relief. I would no longer twist myself up into a pretzel to fit someone else’s idea of whom I should be and was willing to let the chips fall where they may.

It became clear that if I were to partner with anyone in a permanent way, they would have to bring some serious magic to the already awesome party. Getting to this point took many years of therapy, trial and error, and a willingness to be alone. I broke through my fear of success by believing that I could be successful and loved and that, as long as I did not marry the wrong one because I feared being alone, the right one would come along. (He did.)

As a psychotherapist, this is a trend I see with my successful female clients and friends. A disproportionate number of these women remain single even though they would like to be partnered. Some, who do find partners, give up successful careers in order to avoid being seen as the “one wearing the pants in the relationship” or out of fear that out-earning their partner will harm the relationship. Many women and some men give up careers to stay home with young children with great success. The motivation for the choice dictates the outcome. If the decision is fear-based, inevitably resentment will build.

If fear of failure and fear of success are opposite sides of the same coin, the coin is Fear of Change.

With any change, we get anxious, excited, and are required to navigate new territory. This learning curve upsets the homeostasis in our lives until the change becomes the new norm. Some people are so frightened of experiencing this upset that they block their own growth and evolution to avoid it.

My friend Davidji says change is like breath: it isn’t part of the process; it is the process. In reality, the only thing we can count on is change. There is something very powerful and liberating about surrendering to change—it is where transformation and evolution reside.

Despite its inevitability, certain changes, like a career change, involve conscious choices. These choices involve giving something up.

Fear of change is fear of loss.

We lose the familiar to enter the unknown. Feeling guilty can also be part of this package if you are the person changing. You imagine how someone else might be feeling about changes in your life. Realize that these assumptions are colored by your own projection. My husband’s father never verbally expressed feeling offended or disrespected by Vic’s success. This did not stop Vic from fearing he might lose his father’s affection as a direct result of out-earning him. It is far more effective to simply ask the question rather than assume the worst. You may be pleasantly surprised.

Tools for Dealing with the Fear of Success

1. Journaling

Find some quiet time, pen and paper in hand, to get honest about what is holding you back from achieving what you want and continuing to strive higher. Is it a person, a feeling, a cultural standard? Once you know what’s blocking you, ask yourself what you want your life to look and feel like. What do you want more and less of in the areas of your life where you feel stuck, guilty, and afraid? What is the next right action to releasing the fear of success? Do you need to have a heart-to-heart with your parents about your feelings of guilt if you become more successful than them? Do you need to talk to a friend about your fear that they will be angry or jealous of your success?

Journaling is very therapeutic because it allows us to process our thoughts and see them clearly on a sheet of paper. It’s also confidential, and you can refer back to what you have written and evaluate how far you have come or if there is another route to take.

2. Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)—a.k.a. Tapping

No special equipment or money required. To help specifically with the Fear of Success, Brad Yates, an EFT expert and co-author of “Freedom at your Fingertips,” gives a tapping sequence in this video that I hope you find useful. I use this technique in my practice and life with great success.

Remember, your life and career are a collection of your choices. I hope this post inspires you to think honestly and deeply about what is motivating your decisions. I hope you choose to embrace your unique gifts and allow yourself to shine.

I am cheering you on and, as always, am interested in hearing your thoughts. Please drop a comment here and start a meaningful dialogue.

You deserve to enjoy and celebrate all of your successes!

Love Love Love

Terri


Terri Cole, founder and CEO of Live Fearless and Free, is a licensed psychotherapist, transformation coach, and an expert at turning fear into freedom. A cornerstone of Terri’s practice, meditation, was the impetus for her recently released guided mediation CD “Meditation Transformation.” In Fall 2012, she will begin hosting a Hay House radio show, giving listeners who are swimming upstream easy tools to flip over and float. Terri can be found on her website, Facebook, and Twitter.

*Photo by kigaliwire.

A Bridge To Acceptance: Dealing With Disappointment

Disappointment provides us a bridge from expectations to acceptance of reality, wisdom, and the energy to begin again.

Whenever we do something in life with an expectation of how we’d like it to turn out, we risk experiencing disappointment. When things don’t go the way we had envisioned, we may feel a range of emotions from slightly let down to depressed or even angry. We might direct our feelings inward toward ourselves, or outward toward other people or the universe in general. Whether we feel disappointed by ourselves, a friend, or life in general, disappointment is always a tough feeling to experience. Still, it is a natural part of life, and there are many ways of dealing with it when we find ourselves in its presence. 

As with any feeling, disappointment has come to us for a reason, and we don’t need to fear acknowledging it or feeling it. The more we are able to accept how we are feeling and process it, the sooner we will move into new emotional territory. As we sit down to allow ourselves to feel our disappointment, we might want to write about the experience of being disappointed—the situation that preceded it, what we were hoping would happen, and what did happen. The gift of disappointment is its ability to bring us into alignment with reality so that we don’t get stuck for too long in the realm of how things might have been. 

 

Am I Blue?


Know that song?

Am I blue?

Am I blue?

Ain’t these tears in these eyes tellin’ you?

Tears are stretching it a little. I’m not weepy, I just feel blue. The weather is overcast—which I usually love. I have a whole unscheduled day to myself. And, whether I like it or not, I’m blue. What to do?

Be blue.

Yep. That’s it. Just be blue.

If you’re a reader of this blog, you know that I’ve just been through a rough patch, a big disappointment. Everyone has said, “Oooh, that means something even better is coming your way.” Good metaphysicians all. And I’m blue.

I thought my life was going to turn one way, and it turned the other way. So I’m blue and I’m being blue knowing full well that this too shall pass and I will be inspired for the next step and then I will be blue no longer.

Blue is okay, dear one. As long as I don’t marry it. Good thing I’m already married.

 

For spiritual nourishment, visit Dr. Susan Corso’s website and blog, Seeds for Sanctuary. Follow her on Twitter @PeaceCorso and Friend her on Facebook. And discover your own Inner Peace at, To Me Peace Is … What is Peace to You?

Spiritual Glamour: My First Guru Heartbreak

On my first trip to India, my friends and I made two important visits. We went far north for a private audience with the Dalai Lama {you can read about my heart-altering experience here.} And we went far south to stay at the Ashram of the famous guru Sathya Sai Baba

Sai Baba is a controversial swami. I have right-minded friends who have witnessed him work miracles – or magic tricks as many others suspect. He is said to work his powers to manifest rings and bird eggs and gemstones from his palm. And, I think, why not? Our human perspective of dimensionality is only emerging, but certainly some know how to pierce the veil. I believe that instant material manifestation is possible, so why not Sai Baba?

But in addition to being praised for his powers, Sai Baba has been accused of being a sexual predator and a conman. And yet, just like the week I sat in his temple, there are thousands upon thousands of people … from curious spectators like me, to life-long devotees, who travel far to sit at his feet. They stay for weeks, sometimes years. Huge sloping white temples, a free hospital built in his name (people journey from as far as New Jersey for open heart surgery at no cost,) a Sathya Sai Baba university. The place is impressively massive.

I wore frangipani flowers in my hair.

I got up at four am to stand in line and hear the chants. I’m embarrassed to say I even wore a bindi dot (which is kind of like going to Jamaica and getting corn row braids on holiday … it’s lame.) I chanted. I prayed. I meditated. But, I was just not feeling the love. It was confusing my expectations of bliss. Clearly, I was not going to be saved on my trip to India.

No eye contact is allowed within the ashram walls. Imagine a bustling village without anyone really looking at eachother. Men and women are kept separate within the temple. There is a lineup of hundreds of men, and a separate line up of hundreds of women. The old Indian mamas who were in charge of steering the herds of attendees were gruff. One of them snapped at me for looking at a man…and I wasn’t even lookin’, I swear.

By day three in swami land I had a wicked craving for a pack of smokes and The Pogues. 

The whole scene felt rather joyless to me. And arrogant. Westerners in their new tunics all proud to be pious for three weeks out of the year. Of course, there were sweet moments – mostly with children and street peddlers, and I met some wonderful souls who were traveling the world asking big questions. But on the whole, I’ve felt more zest for life at a diner in Oklahoma.

There is place for piety, celibacy has its merits, and austerity can be hugely growthful. I get it. I understand the spiritual development purpose that such restraints are meant to serve. But if you’re so caught up in your dogma that you can’t feel sincerity when it pulls on your sari, that you can’t even laugh out loud, then what’s the point of devotion?

It was my first devotee bummer. My bindi dot had melted. We were in the exotic plains of India, with bowls of marigolds to scoop and sacred cows wandering free – thousands of us – supposedly gathered in the name of love and peace. But from my angle, many Baba worshipers were just as goo-goo-eyed and uptight as any God-fearing brimstone Baptist.

Danielle LaPorte is the creator of WhiteHotTruth.com … which has been called the best place online for kick-ass spirituality. An inspirational speaker and CBC TV commentator, Danielle helps entrepreneurs rock their career with her signature Fire Starter Sessions. You can find her on Twitter @daniellelaporte

 PHOTO (cc): Flickr / greentea

Overcoming Disappointment

Whether you are the ‘disappointed’ or the ‘disappointer,’ this article is designed to help you understand the energy of disappointment and give you insight into what you can do about it.
 
Every emotional state we experience is the result of the thoughts we hold. Disappointment is about holding on to outcomes or unfulfilled expectations. 
 
Your disappointment is a Divine Messenger, warning you that too much thought has been given to the outcome. It asks you to clarify your expectations.
 
   Disappointment is a destructive energy, it breaks things down. 
 
   Disappointment is an unproductive energy, and it creates a sense of feeling stuck. 
 
Our job is to transform the emotional breakdown of disappointment into a breakthrough, and work with the energy of disappointment to achieve a productive emotional state. The goal is for you to enjoy the process!
 
Here are some questions intended to help you in this process.
 
If you are the ‘disappointed,’ ask yourself…
  • Was I clear about what I wanted from the interaction? 
  • Why was I so attached to the outcome in the first place?
  • What did I think this outcome was going to do for me?
  • Was I asking someone to do something for me that I could have done for myself?
  • How will I benefit from letting this go?
  • Did I give away my power by not taking responsibility for myself or by protecting my boundaries? 
 
If you are the ‘disappointer,’ ask yourself…
  • Was I clear about what I was giving? 
  • Did I maintain integrity with my word?
  • Was I offering to do something for another that only they had the power to do for themselves?
  • Did I do my best?
  • Did I take action to make the situation better for everyone involved?
  • What are my regrets — and what can I do about them?
  • Did I give something that was not truthful for me to give?
 
Here are some suggestions intended to keep you out of the disappointment zone:
 
  1. Clarity, Clarity, Clarity: Work with the energy of clarity! Clarity attracts clarity. Be clear about all of your arrangements. Ask questions if you do not understand. Trust your intuition. If something does not seem right to you, question it.
 
  1. Give Truthfully: Give what you can give freely. Give with clarity. Do not give with any expectation or agenda. Do not give with a need for any kind of return. Give because it feels good to do so. Give because it creates space. Give because it validates your abundance. Give for today, not for a future moment. Giving is for you, not the other person.
 
  1. Keep Your Word: Your words are powerful. Use them wisely. Make sure you can follow through with what you say. If you have any question about your ability to follow through, do not extend your word. It is always a better choice to under promise and over deliver.
 
  1. Understand Manipulation: All manipulation is an attempt to have someone meet a need. Most people do not manipulate deliberately or with ill intent. They manipulate because they do not know what their needs are or how to effectively meet them. When you know what your needs are, you can find healthy ways to meet them. The same is true for anyone in your life. Any time you feel manipulation happening…bring the need to light; it is very freeing and cleansing. 
 
  1. Focus on You: Many people are seeing their world through eyes of negativity, restriction and lack. Trust me when I tell you that if they have not found a way to take care of their needs…they are not in a place to take care of yours. Expect great things from yourself. Take action to make great things happen for you. Give everyone else your blessings. They are doing the best they can.

For Those Who Feel Behind

This post is for those who feel they are behind their peers academically, socially, socioeconomically, or so on.  I’ve got good news for you.  This feeling of being behind means you still have a driving force to catch up to where you feel you should be.  You are the main person who feels you are behind.  Other people are not as focused on your relative position as they are on their own efforts. 

See The Positive In Your Discontent

Understand that there are others that quit when in a similar position to where you are right now, and others that quit before they even got to where you are.  This is not to take away from them, but to point out to you that it is a good idea to avoid thinking you are in a terrible position.  At the same time, your discontent means that you see the light on the other side, and still have a mindset of improvement or achievement.  This is something to be thankful for.

You Catch Up Very Soon

In categories or aspects where you feel behind, you will catch up sooner than you can imagine.  I’ve never seen anyone who honestly felt behind remain that way for that long.  Our mind uses that energy to propel us to catch up by keeping us on task, or making unfocused activities seem dull in comparison to the important goal you have in mind.  When you feel behind, you cut off celebrations or fun meetings until you catch up, because it is tough to enjoy in the presence of others when you know you will go back to your state of discontent and they will go back to being up to par.  These changes tend to happen naturally and quickly, and they are defensive responses that do provide some benefits in catching up.  On the other hand, it is vital to not get too distanced from others, as that can affect your attitude or focus.

Your Attitude Won’t Let You Give Up

Speaking about completing one specific goal, what is the difference between a person who gives up on the goal and a rock at the beach?  Both didn’t get to completion, although the rock didn’t have any intent, and is also an inanimate object.  If you feel that you are behind, you are indirectly saying that you are willing to do what it takes to catch up to where you feel you should be.  When faced with a feeling of disappointment or lack of achievement, you either A) give up or B) feel pressure for the work you need to put in, so feeling that pressure means you didn’t choose to give up.  It means you have assembled your mental resources to tackle the goal.

Focus Only On Where You Feel You Should Be

Although your peers can have an effect on if you feel behind, the majority of your efforts should be to catch up to your own ideal or position of desire.  Getting yourself caught up trying to match up to some one’s vision of where you should be would be like reading a book with no ending, since their vision could change at any time, and you wouldn’t be in control of it.  When you’re sleeping, you’re the only one dreaming, and when you perform hundreds of activities and thinking thousands of thoughts during the day, they consist of YOU doing them, and not another person who is either trying to control your efforts, or who you unwittingly allow to control your efforts.  You are the only person who has traveled through all your past experiences, and are the only person who will travel through all your future experiences.

When you look back from the future, you will view this current time and appreciate your successful mindset and positive energy for working with what you had.

– Original article at Timeless Information

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