Tag Archives: find out what you want

10 Steps to Find Out What You Want

10steps

 

Now that you know what to do, click on the steps to find out how:

1. Find out who you are.
2. Choose.
3. Be present to what you are creating.
4. Do not think.
5. Believe what you say you believe.
6. Travel far.
7. Don’t lie.
8. Bring yourself up.
9. Include death into your life.
10. Go find out what you want.

 

Find Out What You Want – Step #10

want-find

 “Oh you know what you want!” I thought to a friend who, not being in my head, could not hear a thing.

You know exactly what you want, you are aware of it distinctly, you can hear yourself telling yourself just what is, only…

Only there are other things you are telling yourself as well, like:

“Oh I should not want this” or “my mother will hate me for wanting this” or “this is a stupid thing to want” or “he will be so disappointed in me if I want that” or “what will people say” or “this will not make me money” or ” I am not enough” or “I can’t do this to her” or …

And herein lies the issue: the thing you want gets drowned, crushed and smothered underneath a huge pile

of crap.

Find Out What You Want – Step #9

include-death

 “Why does God allow children to suffer and die?” read the question.

To which I answered:

“Because God sees death as a beautiful transition, not a horrific disaster.”

And he responded: “Every torturer sees someone else’s torture and death as beautiful.”

And what did I say to that? I said this:

“What if death is actually quite beautiful, and the habitual terror of it blinds humans to that fact?”

You did, I am sure, notice that I did not speak to the suffering. Though maybe I should have … maybe I should have said that suffering is when we deny, refuse, and resist that which we are: nature, god, life, death…

Isn’t it?

Find Out What You Want – Step #7

dont-lie

 “God damn me!” I thought to myself today.

We had such a splendid fight today, Chris and I, and I was so right! Oh, I was so sure of it, too, sitting in my studio, mulling over what he said and what his problem was and how he screwed up and how he really needs to grow up!

Oh I was angry. That should have been a tip, it should have been a sign. But it was not. Because I was right.

I was right when we were having dinner, too. Not angry anymore, but still full of confidence in my judgements and assertions and, as we talked, Chris and I, the anger begun to creep back in and … and this time I noticed. I noticed that something was off. This time, when Chris asked: “why are you getting so angry?” I stopped.

I stopped. The anger rolled in my belly. It hurt. It hurt and I wanted to throw it out, to scream it, to act it. Held, contained, it clawed at my stomach, it pounded at my head, inside. But I held it, I contained it.

I did not want to, oh God I did not want to! It would have been so much easier, so infinitely easier to shield myself with righteousness, with denial, with blame and accusations.

But I held it. I contained it. And I looked.

I looked to see where it came from, why it happened, what it was.

Why? Why did I go through this pain, why did I deny myself the relief of unconsciousness? The bliss of ignorance? Honestly I don’t know.

There is no “why”. I simply must see. I simply must be aware. What is in me, what arises must be seen clearly. It must be acknowledged for what it is. It cannot be hidden. It cannot be pushed aside. It cannot be left unattended.

Why?

Because this is what I am.

Presence.

Find Out What You Want – Step #6

bacground

 Yeah, screw that! Really! I know that I should be writing an inspiring story here about how wonderful it is to change, and see, and discover … blah, blah blah!

It isn’t wonderful. It sucks. It’s hard and makes you unsettled, uprooted and homesick. I am homesick, big time.

Tonight.

I want to go home, back home, back to the other side of the world, to the other continent, to the other country where it’s warm and sunny, where it doesn’t rain all the time, where I can see the feathery palm trees and ocean sparkling in the sun from my windows. I want to go back to the place that is so terribly, drastically different from where I came from that … that I can forget where I came from. No, I don’t even have to forget — it simply doesn’t exist.

I want to go back to that other life, the second life, to that home where Pausha lived in ease and comfort, where she knew who she was and where she was, and what worked how. Where she knew the rules.

I am homesick tonight. Very, very homesick and, tonight, I want to tell you this: if you think that moving to the south of France is a grand adventure full of pleasures and delights, well — think again!

It is hard and it sucks to … to lose the Pausha I created to defend myself from myself.

It is hard to have to face me without the cushy comforts of a sunny paradise.

It is hard to have all the padding and defenses striped away, to stand naked and alone in front of myself, for myself to see and to know.

It is necessary, yes. It is how presence grows and how God becomes God, yes. It is all that but…

but it sucks, and it is hard, and I don’t want to!

I want to go home!

Tonight.

Find Out What You Want – Step #1

Find Out What You Want – Step #5

belief

 “Oh, but this doesn’t happen anymore” he said dismissively, for all the world as though he was speaking to a silly child, “yes, Zen becomes more like a psychotherapy because this is what people want. No one can get enlightened anymore.”

“No one can get enlightened anymore,” said a man who practiced Zen for decades. Who sits in meditation every day, in front of an altar set up in his living room.

“No one can get enlightened anymore,” said a man who, in every prayer, in every ceremony, repeats: I am the buddha. I am the dharma. I am the sangha.

“No one can get enlightened anymore.”

He said that and I cringed.

I cringed because…

Because I know that as he says – so it is. I know, if he doesn’t, that it is not the prayers, the chants, the formulas he mouths that create his reality, but that which he believes. That which he truly believes. And what he truly believes is that Zen doesn’t work and that no one can get enlightened anymore.

And so no one does.

Find Out What You Want – Step #1

Find Out What You Want – Step #4

think

 “But how do you know that what you want is what you want? How do you know it is right? That it is what you want really?” he asked.

“Stop thinking about it,” I said, “stop your thoughts from making noise and you will hear yourself clearly.”

It is a body thing, a feeling, a sudden realization of an unquestionable fact. Until you begin to question it. Until you begin to analyze it, consider it, plan it, predict the consequences, make up the possible outcomes. In all this frantic activity of thought the simple certainty is lost and then … then you believe it has never been there in the first place.

It is not knowing what you want that is difficult – it is listening to it.

Allowing it.

Trusting it.

Click here for Find Out What You Want – Step #1

Find Out What You Want – Step #3

create-present

 What a remarkably appropriate stick this is, how well fitted for today. How interesting that I pulled it out of my bunch now, of all times. Now that I sit in a hotel room in Poland, in Katowice, in the city I grew up in. The city I escaped from. The city that still haunts me in nightmares.

Here I am, shocked like a deer in the headlights, because I feel the past closing in around me. I feel a life that is over and done with, that is gone, long gone, coming back from its dark hole. Here I am. Not Pausha Foley anymore but Patrycja Gawronska. Again.

Clinging to Christopher with all my might – he is my shield against Polishness. My link to Pausha. My link to Pausha Foley. To the American life. To the French life. To the lives I created for myself.

But then this – this dark, hard, painful existence in this dirty, dark, crumbling city – have I created this too? Have I created my childhood full of fear and pain? Have I created the trauma that sent me for long years into apathy and obliviousness?

I would hesitate to answer this … maybe … has it not been for one night, long ago, in Los Angeles. I worked with the wizard that night. I went deep, deep into the source of me, into dark places and scary blanknesses filled with a terrifying father, with masculine abuse and feminine neglect, with collapse of my power, my autonomy, my soul. And then, when the time came to return to my body, I resurfaced accompanied by a thought:

interesting how I organized all those experiences for myself…

Click here to read Find Out What You Want – Step #1 and Find Out What You Want – Step # 2

Find Out What You Want – Step #2

choose

 I have written about this before, many times in fact, but still the story comes back and demands to be told. It is a good story.

It happened when I sat in a club, a rock club to be precise, all by myself at a table, with a beer for company. I waited for friends to arrive. I was thinking.

How did I come to think about this surrounded by lights filtered through cigarette smoke, deafened by blaring rock and poked now and them by somebody’s studs or army boots, I do not remember. I thought about the way. The right way. The only way.

“It is straight and narrow, they say,” I thought, “so how do I find it? How do I know I walk it? How do I know I don’t?” I pondered and the questions faded away and melted into the smoky shadows.

“There is no way. There is no one way.”

In the absence of questions the answer became quite clear: there is no one way, neither narrow nor wide, neither right nor wrong. There is me, and I choose.

That was a significant thing for me to know right there, in that club, at that time. I was about to finish college, I was about to go out into the world and make a life for myself and it was very important for me to know that whatever I choose, whichever direction I’ll walk, it will be the right direction, it will be the right choice.

Because it will be mine.

Click here for Find Out What You Want – Step #1

Find Out What You Want – Step #1

you-are

 Do you find yourself plagued by indecisions?

Are countless ideas, possibilities and plans engaged in a deathly, endless combat with predictions of outcomes, consequences and treacherous pitfalls and potential mistakes in the  confines of your head, paralyzing you? Do you struggle to take a step, to make a choice, to pick a direction in a world full of uncertainty and doubt?

If that is you — you came to the right place: the place where answers live! And answer #1 to the “I don’t know what I want” dilemma is:

To discover what you want first find out who you are!

I did, I believe, one night long ago, when I sat in a little meditation hall. It was the last meditation period of the day, night reined outside enveloping the world in darkness and silence. There was a candle burning at the altar, its soft light edging silent, immobile forms out of the shadows. I was one of those — darkly clad, quiet, perfectly still.

Outside.

There were things happening inside, I remember them only vaguely, my thoughts were losing definition, the edges of the world were blurring, something whirled and turned upside-down and suddenly, as I looked at the hardwood floor before me I realized that … I am the floor!

I stared in astonishment and amusement — it was so funny! I was the floor! I should be quiet, I remembered, so I smothered the laughter but then, in the next moment the floor was gone, I was gone, everything was gone in an endless, boundless space.

There was such peace, such calm, such fundamental silence there, and then … I saw a flea.

A small, agitated black flee, hopping up and down trying to tear a little bit of that oneness, of that silence, of that boundlessness for itself. The flea wanted it separated, clearly defined, it’s. It yanked and jerked and pulled, yet the space would not break.

“Oh, this is my mind!” it occurred “it is the mind that wants to tear a piece of me out of the rest of me.”

How silly!

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