Tag Archives: Intimacy

Intimacy

intimacyHi everyone!  Today I want to cover the topic of intimacy, something vital to each of our lives, and a topic that is a big part of love addiction and codependency.

A lot of us have found that in relationships, we have lost ourselves, and a big struggle is trying to rebuild our behavior patterns in relationships so that we can have healthy relationships where that doesn’t happen.  We have also found that the people we choose to be intimate with are unavailable to us emotionally, or maybe we have even found someone to be intimate with, but we push them away and sabotage our relationships.  Intimacy can be scary! Continue reading

5 Tips to Deepen Intimacy in Your Relationships

innersexyDeep connections, quality relationships – the experience of feeling seen, heard and understood brings us the greatest joy in life. Here are 5 tips to deepen intimacy in any relationship – a friendship, family or love relationship.

1. Ask for Help (sooner than you want)

Our attachments and intimacy with others are bred through our vulnerabilities.

The meeting of our vulnerabilities is the sweet spot. This is where we have the ability to truly see one another. The experience of being seen and seeing is called mirroring. Psychologically, it is the bridge of intimacy and forges a strong bond (attachment) – knowing someone else will accept and be there for you, even (especially) in your weakest moments.

Take a risk of to be vulnerable and open yourself up to share from the heart. What is happening under the surface of your life and the veneer of your persona? Tell your partner if you’re sad, afraid, hurt or emotional. Practice staying authentic and articulate about your emotional state and ask for understanding, tenderness or help.

2. Let Your Partner Take the Lead

In relationships we tend focus on ourselves and assume that our needs are more important than our partners.

Flip it. Just for this month, practice allowing your partner’s needs to take priority. What if their needs are just as (or more) important than your own?

Self-abandonment is not what I am suggesting. Assuming you have healthy boundaries, attune to what your partner wants or needs. Ask them. Let your partner take the lead. Where do they want to go to dinner? Where do they want to go on vacation? What do they want to do this weekend?

This is a Buddhist/yogic concept of expanding the definition of who you are to include the ‘other’. Widening our perception of Self to include another breeds understanding and union. Instead of using a relationship or looking at our partners as a means to meet our needs – we elevate into a selfless, giving, generous approach. Much like building a successful business or any join venture, ask:

  • “How can I help you?” 
  • “How can I give more?” 
  • “What do you need and how can I serve?”

3. Set a Daily Check in with Your Partner

Set aside 10-20 min. a day to tune in to each other in full presence (no cell phones or TV, please). A great time to do this is at night. Take 10 minutes each to reflect on the day. Listen athletically to each other and offer support or feedback. When you can manage, try to go to bed at the same time, cuddle and reflect out loud – What went well? What was disappointing or frustrating? What do you intend to create for the next day?

Practice gratitude together. Get in the habit of reflecting the positive and holding each other in positive regard so you mirror back to your partner their positive attributes. Encouragement and support changes our biochemistry. Consistency in authentic connection is the glue that keeps a relationship together. Commit to a daily check in.

4. Show Up with Fresh Eyes

See your partner anew. We evolve and change constantly. Our hopes, dreams and skills shift. When we’re in relationship, it’s tempting to view our partner through an old, outdated perspective – who they were, how they acted or what they wanted before. Give your man (or woman) the space, just like a child, to shape shift, change, learn and grow. Tune into them – ask them “Where are you at today?”  “What are you feeling/wanting/dreaming of?”

Try silently observing and allowing them to show you who they are. Open your eyes and your mind. This creates more spaciousness to feel held and supported in who we are authentically – today. Let yourself be surprised. Seek to learn something NEW about your partner everyday.

5. Breed Affection

Bring more affection into your relationship. After years of listening to couples in therapy, I can tell you – it’s often (if not, usually) the smallest things that end up fracturing and eroding a relationship. Know the little things that your partner needs, wants or delights in.

  • How can you show random acts of kindness?
  • How can you be more affectionate?
  • How can you sweetly surprise them and bring a smile to their face?

Gentle touches, thinking what they might want from the grocery store or reaching out sending them a text or a note at work in support go a long way in building a foundation and reservoir of love.

Leave a comment and share – how do you deepen intimacy in relationships with those around you?

7 Steps to Revive Intimacy in Your Relationship

39f6cccfad35d69d_shutterstock_56179150.previewBy Colette Davenport

Working as a Relationship and Intimacy Coach, I often encounter male clients who report concerns about not doing the “right things” to stimulate and arouse their partner during sex. On the flip side, I also hear from women sharing versions of “we pretty much do the same thing every time” or “I’m not really into it” or “I don’t get turned on like I used to”.  These patterns have the ability to disconnect two people.

Since sex is often a touchy subject and in general, we are not in the practice of verbalizing our authentic sensual desires, I sense this challenge probably rings true for many couples at some point in their relationship. When this type of intimacy and communication start to break down, other aspects of the partnership may soon follow. However, sexual intimacy doesn’t necessarily have to wane as life gets more demanding. It can be easy to attribute the lack of energy or creativity to time constraints, kids, or exhaustion from work/life, etc. but the benefits of cultivating and maintaining a healthy sex life are too important to dismiss.

The 7-Step Sensual Sampler can help relieve some of the anxiety, frustration, or apathy in a relationship by reinstating fun, connection, and satisfaction. Imagine for a moment being curious about your lover’s turn-ons. What might it be like to have him/her lovingly explore your body? What would be possible if you were both in a playful, uninhibited state and were communicating exactly what you wanted to one another? Now imagine those same qualities of curiosity, loving exploration, playfulness, and clear communication carrying over into other aspects of your relationship. How could that strengthen the partnership?

Inspired by a Sex Nerd Sandra podcast, I recently created a the following intimate exercise to help both partners (re)discover what gets the motor running. I call it The Sensual Sampler. Think about it. When you’re uncertain what appetizer you want to eat, you order the sampler platter so you can explore and enjoy different flavors, textures, and so on. Maybe you really like some while other items on the plate don’t do it for you.  Do you ever find you’re fond of something you hadn’t tried before? Well this pleasure play exercise is just like that!

The Sensual Sampler works like this:

Step 1. Choose a time that works for both of you to just PLAY. You may have to schedule this and plan ahead if you’re very busy. Anticipation can be exciting!

Step 2. Begin playtime agreeing to just “see what feels good”. No expectations. No judgments or criticisms. No need to be serious. Really let your hair down.

Step 3. Decide who samples whom first. One of you gets to relax, breathe and feel. The other samples an area on your body no bigger than the space his/her hand (with fingers spread wide) covers.

Step 4. Kiss, lick, nibble, caress, massage, etc. that small area of your lover’s body while inviting them to respond.

Step 5. As the recipient of the sampling, share your experience with your partner. You might say things like: “good”, “not so good”, “harder”, “softer”, “more of that”, “move on”, etc. Essentially, you want to let them know what you like, what you don’t care for, and to what degree (really turns you on, feels okay, uncomfortable, etc.).

Step 6. Continue the Sensual Sampling until you’ve covered feet to knees, belly to buttocks, breasts and full back, hands, neck, ears…and ALL areas in between! Leave nothing unattended.

Step 7. Switch. Of course if you’re both so turned on and connected that the desire for passionate lovemaking is too much to ignore – go for it! Keep the fire stoked by carrying over the stimulating and arousing pleasure play techniques into intercourse.

You can always repeat steps 1-7 with the other partner sampling another time.

Based on my experience as well as the feedback I receive, if a couple is able to communicate openly in bed, they are more apt to speak freely and lovingly elsewhere.  The bonus here is you may encounter areas of your body that you did not know were pleasurable. More pleasure equals more ease. One thing’s for sure: this fun little exercise will shake up the routine. Plus, letting your hair down, communicating what feels good, and inviting your partner to playfully explore with you can really increase intimacy in a relationship. You never know, you just might learn something about your lover you have yet to discover.

Enjoy!

* * *

professional portraitColette Davenport is a health, relationship, and intimacy coach with 20+ years of training, formal education, and life experiences culminating in a truly integrated and holistic body of work. Colette’s private practice, THRIVE [mind+body+energy], is a Tantra inspired coaching and training platform shaped by her personal philosophy, which is rooted in self-awareness, compassion, service, mindfulness, personal growth, communication, gratitude, and love. Miss Davenport studied at Texas Healing Arts Institute in Austin, TX and received a holistic health coach certification from the Institute for Integrative Nutrition in New York. To connect with Colette visit her website, Facebook, or Twitter.

The Four Faces of Intimacy

Screen Shot 2013-07-01 at 5.16.10 PMIt started with a simple question. That question (not surprisingly for anyone who knows me) led to a series of additional questions. When I couldn’t get clear answers for myself, I started asking others. The results of this process have fascinated me, and I wanted to explore the topic more fully. The basic question: “What does intimacy mean to you?”

The range of responses I received was wide and varied. I asked both men and women, different ages, some in relationships and some not. Most people had to stop for a moment to really think about and put into words what intimacy meant to them. As I looked more deeply at the topic, I found that there seem to be four types of intimacy we engage in in our relationships.

1. Sexual Intimacy

The people I asked generally started describing the most common of the four types of intimacy: Sexual. This wasn’t too much of a surprise, as sexual intimacy is probably the most stereotypical and most familiar definition of the word in modern society. Having sex, however, often has less to do with intimacy and more to do with a physical act between people. As it ended up, the people I spoke with desired more than just the physical act of sex, they wanted depth. They wanted to feel safe being vulnerable, wanted to be seen by their partner. That makes sense, as this form of intimacy also includes a wide range of sensuous activity and sensual expression, so it’s much more than having intercourse.

It is interesting that the word intercourse is actually defined as “connection between persons or groups” and as an “exchange especially of thoughts or feelings.” Curious to explore why intimacy is challenging to people in their relationships, I continued to look further.

2. Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy occurs when two people feel comfortable sharing their feelings with each other or when we’re able to empathize with the feelings of another person. The goal of emotional intimacy is to be aware of and understand another person’s internal experience. My guess is that women have an easier time with this, but I’d like to believe that men too are becoming more comfortable experiencing emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is a healthy part of the exchange in all relationships, whether female or male. But not everyone is comfortable with it.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D, refers to the fears people have in relation to emotional intimacy. She says that, “Many people have two major fears that may cause them to avoid intimacy: the fear of rejection (of losing the other person), and the fear of engulfment (of being invaded, controlled, and losing oneself).” This makes sense to me.

In this area of intimacy, people must act from their hearts and love unconditionally. As I talked about in my piece on what makes a good relationship, the heart of a spiritual partnership is love. Love is also at the core of emotional intimacy.

3. Intellectual Intimacy

Intellectual intimacy is personally the face of intimacy I am most comfortable with. This one is all about communication, and as someone who lives and breathes words, it’s extremely familiar to me. Intellectual intimacy happens when two people share ideas and explore the similarities and differences in their personal opinions. The ability to do this in an open and comfortable way can lead to a very intimate relationship indeed. As someone who engages in this type of interaction all the time, I can say that it has offered me a wonderful and fulfilling form of connection with people I care about. I think this may be my strongest area of intimacy.

4. Experiential Intimacy

Experiential intimacy is the intimacy of activity, and it happens every time we get together with a group to create art in a silent process. This type of intimacy is all about letting the art unfold and working together in co-operation. This form of intimacy is not about a verbal sharing of thoughts or feelings, but more about the activity and feeling that emerges from this involvement. I recently experienced this at a Contact Improv jam with a complete stranger. I interacted with a young man, letting our body energy lead the dance, with no eye contact and no words, just movement in a sensual and open, if not dramatic, dance. I was somewhat surprised to learn that experiential intimacy actually is in my intimacy vocabulary.

According to Rick Hanson, Ph.D, to have intimacy in our life, we must have a natural balance of two great themes — joining and separation — which are in fact central to human life. Almost everyone wants both of them, to varying degrees. He goes on to say that “individuality and relationship, autonomy and intimacy, separation and joining… are often seen at odds with each other, but this is so not the case!” This also made perfect sense to me. Yin and yang. Light and dark. All the polarities we live in life, lead to a balance.

My understanding and curiosity about intimacy were greatly expanded by asking others about what intimacy means to them. I  believe that when we establish balance in the four faces of intimacy, we find a deeper connection and understanding in all the relationships of our life. I also fully recognize that we all have different definitions of intimacy. Are men and women’s definitions dramatically different? A fascinating conversation to continue to explore.

I recently received a daily Gaping Void email by Hugh MacLeod with the subject: Has your soul been seen lately? Synchronistically, the topic was intimacy. What followed was a beautiful way to end my piece:

Intimacy isn’t strictly about romantic relationships, or even relations with family–sometimes it happens quickly, and often times in ways we hardly notice.

I’m talking about that moment when someone allows the world to see what’s inside…what they are really about. It’s about seeing someone for who and what they are and that the glimpse was offered either voluntarily or without the person’s knowledge. This is an incredible moment where our existence suddenly makes sense and all comes together in a singular place. 

For those of you who have experienced this, it’s something that never gets lost in memory or time. It’s like a little mirror we take out every now and then to remember a time when something so complex became so inconceivably simple. It’s pretty incredible.

For me, this is the essence of what intimacy is really all about. Dare to be vulnerable, dare to be seen.

Now let me ask you the question I began with: What does intimacy mean to you?

Visit me at: beverleygolden.com

 

Originally published February 2012

Deepak Chopra: Is Sexual the Same as Spiritual Energy?

Sexuality tends to get a bad rep in spiritual practices, and vice versa. But are they all that different after all? In this episode of “Ask Deepak” on The Chopra Well, Deepak Chopra explores the connection these two energies share.

Sexual energy manifests itself as charm, attraction, love, infatuation, and intimacy. It is the merging of consciousness and the emergence of new life. Spiritual energy, the energy that comes from pure consciousness, is the creative energy of the universe. Without that energy we would not be alive and nothing would have life in it as life is the vitality of pure consciousness. But sexual energy is also the creative energy of the universe, and we would not survive without it. Therefore sexual energy and spiritual energy are the same.

Many wise traditions considers the peak moment of sexual energy the death of the ego. When somebody experiences intimacy and reaches orgasm, we feel vulnerable, intimate, we are defenseless, spontaneous, joyful, carefree and there is a sense of timelessness. These are the characteristics and true nature of our spirit. Living your life with this level of intimacy would allow to emerge the evolutionary impulse, the creative energy of the universe, which is your spirit.

What do you think? Let us know in the comments section below!

 

Subscribe to The Chopra Well and check out Deepak’s book, The Soul in Love!

6 Tips from Business to Make Your Romance Last Forever

Screen Shot 2013-06-13 at 12.19.40 PMBusinesses that have longevity are well-run. They are constantly updating and growing because if they don’t, they won’t just be standing still, but will be going backward or worse – they’ll be defunct. The same holds true for a loving relationship in your personal “business,” where you are a solid team. If your relationship is less than optimal, it’s time to take your cue from a well-run business.

For most of us relationships conjure up romance. Business and money matters smack of distaste and seem asexual in nature. However, if you want a monogamous relationship to go the distance, you have a lot to learn from strategies of the client-based business world.

Here’s what successful businesses do:

  1. Focus on building and strengthening the bonds of your relationship. Businesses place value on more than a one-time-deal which seeks to get the best out of a client. Instead, they nurture a long term relationship with clients by focusing on their needs. What can you do for your significant other?
  2. Develop listening skills and make this a top priority. Businesses evaluate: What are the problems, disappointments, or the good things their customers are experiencing? Listening helps them achieve solutions to problems or strengthen what is already working. Without interrupting, what surprising bit of information have you learned by truly listening and not merely waiting to speak?
  3. Ask not what the consumer can do for you, but what you can do for the consumer. As a result, businesses will reap a whopping profit. Similarly, try to release the egocentric “I” voice in your relationship and replace it with the “we” mentality.
  4. Make it a priority to keep the consumer interested. This means coming up with new ideas, experiences, and dialogue to keep the client actively engaged in the relationship. Novelty does wonders for a long term romantic relationship; constant communication averts a simmering resentment due to self-suppression.
  5. Keep your message short and sweet, the way businesses use public relations companies to brand themselves. Similarly, the person you live with should be able to identify you by a phrase known to only the two of you, a signature accessory, or a look in the eyes and vice versa.
  6. Make sure to get your rhythm in sync. This means don’t pounce when you are all fired up. A successful manager asks a client, “Is this a good a time to speak?” Similarly, gauge your mate’s mood. Just because you are ready to speak does not mean they are ready to listen. And most importantly, don’t let a disagreement degenerate into a shouting match. Change the location like going to another  “conference” room to change up the energy or revisit the discussion later when both of you are calmer.

Is Monogamy Killing Women’s Sex Drive? The New Drug That Might Help.

Blue Moment Pt. 1“Women are programmed for monogamy” goes the conventional understanding we’ve clung to since Victorian times. After all, they have a finite number of eggs, which means the pressure to secure a viable mate and reproduce is more pressing for them than for men, who produce limitless sperm over the course of a lifetime. It’s a tidy package that, ostensibly, helps maintain societal order and respectability. Let men do a bit of wandering and experimenting – because “boys will be boys,” after all – but women will always maintain the hearth and the family unit. Well, hold on to your wives because new research is painting a very different picture of women’s sexuality.

The story begins with a young, broken-hearted Dutch university student, Adriaan Tuiten. Adriaan had been in love with the same girl since he was 13-years-old, and then in their mid-20’s she unexpectedly broke up with him. Fast-forward thirty-plus years, Tuiten is now the primary inventor and researcher behind the new female sex drugs Librido and Libridos. That experience of losing the woman he loved sparked a lifetime fascination – dare we say obsession? – with women’s sexuality and romantic inclinations. “I was shocked. I was suffering,” Tuiten told the New York Times reporter. “I’m a little bit — not insane. But. There became a need for me to understand my personal life in this way.”

And what has he come to understand? For one, women are no more “programmed” for monogamy than men are. If anything, research suggests that sexual desire drops over the course of a long-term relationship more often for women than it does for men. Menopause and other hormonal changes may be the culprit, as well as the effects of antidepressant medication (which millions of American women are on), but as we all know, sexual desire entails more than just physiology. What’s at the heart of sexual desire and intimacy is still a mystery.

The extended New York Times article addresses many facets of this new perspective on women’s sexuality: Maybe women are just bored. Maybe love, intimacy, and desire are all separate categories that become threatened when mixed. Maybe society teaches men to be unbridled sexually, whereas women are encouraged to contain their desire – the effects of which create real neural responses to mirror these learned beliefs.

Either way, Librido – which is designed to address both the physiological and emotional/psychological issues of desire – is up for F.D.A. approval. Research trials have shown significant rates of success, and for some this may seem like the answer to a lifelong struggle with sex drive. Ultimately, though, we don’t really know what causes desire, what makes people fall in love, what sustains long-term intimacy, or any of the other nuances of romantic love. It still seems fairly archaic to assume something inherently different between women’s and men’s sexuality – but hey, everyone has to figure that out for themselves.

What do you think of this new research on women’s sex drive? Let us know in the comments section below!

 

Image credit: Dennis Brekke

Are You In Relationship With Your Partner’s Potential?

3 Ways to Keep the Love Flame BurningDid you get into your relationship thinking you could “fix” those few things that you didn’t like about your partner? Do you find yourself seeing your partner as they could be and miss who they actually are? Do you feel they aren’t living into their potential or do you compare them to your idealized version of them?

This kind of behavior can be really toxic in relationships, and I have found many of my clients bring this up, so I thought I’d share some points of insight for you to consider:

People can usually feel when you don’t fully accept them as they are. On the other hand, being with someone who is in full acceptance of who you are is one of the most healing things we can offer one another.

“But if I accept them as they are then they’ll never change” our minds tend to say. What I have found is quite the opposite. As we come into relationship with the one we are actually with, not an image of who we want them to be, a deeper experience of connection is available. Coming from this place of acceptance first, we are available to make more effective changes in the relationship (if we still want change that is) because we are neutral within ourselves and move from a place of wholeness.

There are going to be things that work for you in the relationship and other things that don’t. I’m not suggesting you to be a doormat and ignore what’s true for you. I’m inviting a different approach that may actually be more successful and fulfilling.

What if you were able to actually meet your partner with full acceptance of where things are for the both of you right now? In that intimate connection of fully accepting how they are, how you are, and where the relationship is, from here see if there are still things you want to share or not.

I don’t mean to fake this acceptance because that’s also felt and won’t offer true healing. I am speaking of an acceptance that arises out of our humility to truly recognize that we don’t know that it would be better if they only changed. These judgments are an opportunity to use the relationship as a teacher. To learn about yourself through it by recognizing your partner as your own mirror and looking at what unresolved material this situation is pointing at within yourself. What part of yourself are you not fully accepting? Is there a part of you that you have denied, repressed, or not owned?

As long as we’re trying to make our partner into something different, we’re in relationship with an image of who we want them to be, continuously getting disappointed and never truly meeting one another.

What if for a moment you met your partner with complete and authentic acceptance? Without necessarily sharing with them that you’re trying this out, see what happens in him or her when you shift the way you see them inside yourself. Instead of thinking of ways to change them, see if you can discover who they are beyond your stories about them, as if you’ve just met them for the first time in this very moment. See if you can stay in a space of discovery, of wonder.

What is it like to fully and intimately be with them as they are now? See if you can notice what opens up…

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” -Carl Rogers

Enjoy the discovery.

* * *

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Beyond Hormones: The 5 Elements in Love & Sex

yabyum-tantraIn the beginning, when love is new, romance, courting and conquest are aphrodisiacs, stimulants that increase our appetite for sexual union. Eventually the chase ends, hearts are won, and lifetime pledges are made. The happy couple says “I do,” strolls off into the sunset together, destined to be lovers forever.

So what happens? The newness fades, the passion flees. Where does it go? Does it get mortgaged along with the house? Disposed with the diapers?

Years ago, Mary, age 49, shyly told her family doctor that she had lost interest in having sex with her husband. She was told this was a natural event, that women eventually lose interest and that’s the way it is. For some women, she was told, it comes earlier. Today, Mary might be offered testosterone patches to fire up her lagging libido.

Martin, age 59, is having erectile difficulties. Viagra® to the rescue.

Times may have changed, but is it really just a story of diminishing hormones and loss of blood flow? The popularity of these new biologically-based treatments attest to their effectiveness as sexual aids. Yet we continue to yearn for the fulfillment of a deeper intimacy. Reviving the mechanics of our sex life may help, but it does not fully address the hunger in our hearts.

We desire even more than the wonderful climax of sexual release. We crave a connection with our partner’s soul. We ache to embrace a love that lights up our eyes, that enlivens our very being.

More than one divorcee has stated, “the sex was great, but there was no intimacy.” Without intimacy, sex is not lovemaking. Without lovemaking, hearts are empty.

Laura, married 22 years, loves her husband immensely. Therefore, she has “sex” with him at least once a week, because he has “needs” that must be met. Yet each time, when it is over, she experiences loneliness and loss. Something is missing.

A Chinese saying tells us that “young love is from earth; mature love from heaven.” Could it be that our bodies are trying to tell us something as they slow down and cool off? Could it be that it is not our biology which needs assistance, but our spiritual self?

If we look at relationships from a perspective of the Chinese five-element system, we can gain some insight and direction. In this ancient understanding of the cosmos, the elements that describe all the phases of creation are wood, fire, earth, metal and water. Each influences the next, in a nourishing cycle of harmonious development.

Wood is represented by the flexibility and rapid growth of bamboo. When love is first born, it too grows rapidly. Its season is Spring, a time when plants sprout new life and blossom profusely. There is tender excitement, exploration and discovery. As the day brightens from dawn to noon, relationship proceeds to the next phase, which is fire. Wood provides fuel for fire.

Fire burns erratically and represents the passion and turmoil of life. The season is Summer, and the heat is strong. In relationships, fire represents the energetic and creative clamor of life’s demands, the tears and laughter of sexual drama and delight.

When fire burns out, ashes remain, which turn into earth. Earth gives shape and structure to relationship. Although more than fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, this does not seem to slow down our “urge to merge.” We keep trying, looking for the right partner, a life partner, a lover forever.

It is the nature of earth to slow things down, providing stability and a sense of restfulness. It is here, in the earth phase of the five-element system, that our relationships are often lulled to sleep. The sex medicines and hormones temporarily awaken us, remind us of the burning fire we thought we had left behind.

Yet something is missing. We cannot stay here or we will get stuck in a rut! What is essential in the Chinese system is a dynamic balance of all the elements. What will energize our relationships is a movement forward from earth into metal. It takes effort to draw metal from the earth, to extract the gold from the dirt. Yet it is here, as the day darkens and the season moves to Autumn, that we can best harvest the deeper love that we desire. Dr. Victoria Lee writes in Soulful Sex, “each moment in which you are conscious of the sacred sexual energy that runs through your veins becomes one in which you experience the divine.” The key words here are conscious, sacred, divine and sexual.

From this perspective, we mindfully transform our relationship into a meaningful spiritual path that finally brings the fulfillment we have longed for. Our sexual love becomes the aphrodisiac and opens the doorway to our soul. We draw on ancient wisdom, we explore the energy of sexuality through Tantra, we communicate, we touch our beloved attentively and with intention.

Ultimately, the cycle releases into the element of water, as we awaken to our inner self in the presence of our beloved. Water, cradled by metal, nourishes the growth of wood, and thus the cycle continues, passion is renewed and our relationship becomes an ongoing love affair.

Originally published in 2011

Where Did the Sexual Honeymoon Go?

url-1It all started out just great didn’t it?

She was into you, you were into her. Everybody had pink cheeks and even the dullest of chores could be accomplished with enthusiasm. You felt inspired, motivated, ready for anything. Most of all vital. Life was expressing its most magnificent aspects through your every move. “There were birds all around but you never heard them ringing, no you never heard them at all till there was” HER. Life is at its most colorful when we love. Springtime can be found in every season.

So how did her PMS creep into the picture?

When did you notice that the birds were not singing as often? And what is it that gets them singing in the first place. I mean something must be going on to make her look that good. And something must not be going on as much when her glow has died down and the “honeymoon phase” is over.

The sense of renewal that we feel with a new love is not just a psychological phenomenon. The body makes chemicals that create physiological change thereby inducing affection, a sense of warmth, sexual yearning and inner peace. For example, oxitocin (sorry I do not know the spelling on this and am requesting that you confirm it) is a hormone generally understood to support the release of a mother’s milk. When a woman feels that “let down” reflex and her breasts suddenly tingle with milk for her baby this is the primary hormone involved. Interestingly enough, love researchers are noticing that this little protein-based molecule is found in large numbers in newly infatuated men. Initial experiments teach us that the feelings of warmth used to enhance a woman’s experience of nursing are very similar to those to the emotions a newly appointed prince feels for his princess.

Unfortunately, the chemical boost that we feel with those first few sacred years of intimate relationship dissipates. Scientists are working on separating the hormones and enzymes necessary to create these experiences. One of these days you will be able to buy a spray bottle whose contents will bring back feelings of the “good old days”. Until then, a man must understand what makes her tick if he wants to keep that initial passion burning.

 

Originally published in 2010

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