Tag Archives: Marriage

DearJames: There’s No Spark

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DearJames

I am over 50 & have been married for over 26 years. We have one child – early 20’s, independent but still at home. I have fallen out of love with my husband. I love him but there is NO spark. I have come to this realization within the last couple of years since becoming an (almost) ’empty nester’. I was too busy to realize this sooner. I have tried talking to him and we have tried counseling; counseling failed due to poor counselor. There is no intimacy between us. I know this is something I can’t live without. I have never cheated on him but I have had some recent temptations. He is (too) agreeable with any thing I suggest but it never accomplishes anything. He ‘listens’ to me and agrees but everything seems to go in one ear and out the other. He is not abusive or addicted to anything (drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc.). He can’t possibly be happy with the way things are. I asked him if he was gay and he said no. He has difficulty with physical intimacy due to his being overweight & some medications he takes. He gives little effort to lose weight and get off his meds. I don’t know if I should stay or not.

-NO Spark

Dear NO Spark

Asking someone for directions is easy: understanding them so you arrive at your intended destination requires a whole other set of skills. Continue reading

6 Ways to Handle Wedding Stress

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The “Big Day” is almost here. You aren’t sleeping or maintaining focus at work. If you are irritable and grouchy with everyone, including your fiancé, it’s time to get a grip and get back into control of yourself before the best day of your life turns into the worst day ever. You want to look and feel your best on your wedding day in order to enjoy it. Here are six ideas to make sure you are a beauty and not a beast on that big day. Continue reading

Exercise Together: 3 Exercise Techniques To Bring You And Your Spouse Together

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Many couples spend hours after work watching TV and not talking. It’s easy to fall into this routine. However, If you are hoping to figure out how to spice things up, then it is necessary to find something that both of you like to do. One of the most beneficial things that a couple can do together is exercise. Exercise will get you both in shape and loving each other’s good looks once more. Often, couples disagree on the exercise format. Which often keeps them from doing their workout together. Here are three exercise techniques that will are fun, healthy and will strengthen your relationship. Continue reading

Dream Weaving: Three Ways To Prepare Your Marriage To Change the World

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I stare with awe at the Brooklyn Bridge every time I visit New York because I know that it wouldn’t be there if it Emily and Washington Roebling hadn’t faced down every conceivable challenge during its fourteen-year construction.

Whenever I visit Boston, I wonder at the life of John and Abigail Adams, who of necessity, lived apart more than together during the tumultuous birthing of America.

And when I enter the hospital room of a loved one, I thank God for Pierre and Marie Curie, who worked side by side nearly every waking minute of their entire marriage to produce the miracle of radium.

The fact is, if we dug into the back-story of most of the world’s grand accomplishments, we would undoubtedly be impressed with how many of those accomplishments are the product of grand marriages. Continue reading

The 5 Best Ways to Prevent Money Arguments With Your Spouse

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According to CNBC, finances are the leading cause of stress in a relationship. 35% of people surveyed said that money was the primary cause of friction in their relationship. Managing your finances as a couple can be difficult, but it doesn’t have to be. Here are 5 tips to help you prevent money arguments with your spouse. Continue reading

Marriages That Last: Small Gestures Yielding Big Benefits

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It has been sixty-five years since my parents’ wedding, a ceremony celebrating their commitment to love each other forever. Many years of dedication and shared experiences after they wed, Alzheimer’s disease stole the memories of this promise. After their diagnoses, I watched in amazement as my parents newly discovered each admirable trait which brought them together decades before.

Now refined through trials and seasoned with life’s experiences, their attraction was magnetic. My parents’ shared disease made me wonder: what keeps marriages strong despite the challenges of life we all face? I believe it is more than sheer grit and determination. Experiencing my parents’ love on autopilot led me to believe the key to lasting love is in developing basic traits which become the essence of who we are. Continue reading

Dealing With Financial Income Inequality in Marriage

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The love of money may be the root of all evil, but arguing about money is the third leading reason (at 22 percent) given for divorce. Going into a marriage, two partners think they’ll “make it work.” It turns out that blending what often are two disparate views about finances isn’t quite so easy, and the issues become even more intransigent if one or both partners refuse to talk about it. Here are some ways you might be able to avoid the dreaded “D” word, and we don’t mean Dallas. Continue reading

News Flash: Watching TV with Your Sweetheart May Boost Your Happiness.

497294952_c06a81d93b_bI’m very interested in the role of TV-watching in our happiness. After all,  after sleeping and work, it’s the biggest consumer of the world’s time.

So I was interested to see that new research suggests that for  couples who don’t have lots of mutual friends, watching the same TV show (or reading the same book or going to the same movie) can help both people feel that they inhabit in the same social world.

It turns out that couples who have lots of mutual friends tend to have the strongest bonds, and for those who don’t have a lot of mutual friends, having “shared media experiences” helps them to feel connected. Continue reading

Should you Separate to Save your Marriage?

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A friend of mine told me recently that she and her husband had a trial separation a few years ago. I was shocked! I always thought of this husband and wife as the ideal married couple. I had no idea they ever had issues.

In addition, I was shocked that they decided to separate for a short while, and also that it helped bring them back together.

Long story short, the husband had been lying to his wife for several months regarding his standing in college. When the letter came in the mail saying he had lost his scholarship, she was so hurt. Not only had he been failing his classes, he had dropped out but kept telling her about how well he was supposedly doing.

It was a rough time for them. He had lost her trust, and he didn’t know what to do. It was hard for the wife to be in the same house with him because of the cloud of hurt feelings over her head. Things like this tend to get into every other facet of the relationship. She kept thinking, What else had he lied about? Or what will he lie about in the future?

In the end, they decided she would take the kids and stay with her family until he fixed things with school, and then they both would decide how to move forward.

It was not an easy transition to separate, and also it was not easy to come back together again. But the break gave her some space so she could forgive him, and the break gave him some space to focus on what he needed to change.

When she came back into their home, she could see the changes in him, and she appreciated his effort. He also was glad to have her home and vowed never to keep secrets from her again.

Marriage is not for wimps! And sometimes taking a break from each other takes more strength than sticking it out. Separation could even be the way to save marriage instead of leading to divorce.

You may be thinking, isn’t it counter intuitive to be away from someone you are trying harder to love? Don’t you have to be together to work on the relationship?

But, when you can’t say anything nice to each other, you can’t agree on things, or there are bad feelings that just won’t go away, sometimes spending more time together as a couple just makes things worse.

You may be ready for a period of separation if: Continue reading

One Woman’s Survival Story: Marriage Separation

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She didn’t know anyone whose marriage had survived separation, but here it was, staring her straight in the face. The woman, we’ll call her Wendy, had only been married a few short years but it was obvious that things were getting stale.

He wanted out. Separation. Relationship halt.

She didn’t see that coming. Aside from things being stale in their young marriage, there wasn’t anything major going on. No affairs or big fights. Nothing that would indicate that her husband was particularly unhappy with her. So when he wanted to move into another apartment, she was in shock. Now what?

When married couples contemplate such a move, it can be scary. Being separate typically means there are big problems, and big problems can lead to divorce. Separation just prolongs the questions. Will this work out? Will we find our way back to each other again?

Wendy kept their separation a secret save for a few who were closest to her. Mostly, she cried alone at her house, or at her desk at work. She cried a lot. Likely she thought about all the things she should have done while they still lived together. Regrets loomed.

Was it all too late? Continue reading

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