Tag Archives: partner

The Three Most Important Qualities to Look for in a Partner

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Have you ever looked back on a relationship and asked yourself why you had even been with that person in the first place? Although there are many things that can attract us to someone, if you’re looking for a partner in life, there are a few very important qualities to look for.

Obviously, you want to look for someone who has the core qualities that you desire such as honesty and integrity, but there are a few key qualities that most people don’t ever think about. In this article I will outline the three most important qualities that I find people overlook when entering into relationships. Continue reading

5 Warning Signs That Your Partner May Not Be Good In A Crisis

A photo by Lionello DelPiccolo. unsplash.com/photos/9i9RquPtXsg

Sometimes the very things we find attractive in someone may actually be warning signs that they may not be good for us in the long run. Those high expectations that make him a success in business, may turn to unnecessary pressure in a crisis. That dramatic flair that makes him exciting, may actually keep him from being a comfort to you in a time of need. Here are 5 warning signs that your guy may not be good in a crisis. Continue reading

Why Wait: Setting Realistic Intents for 2014 to Increase Your Success

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As December draws to a close people begin looking towards the year ahead and making their resolutions. At Intent, we encourage people to think a little deeper, to set their goals based on the desires of their soul. As you are creating your list of intents for 2014 there are several things to consider. Often times people set goals that are unrealistic and when they realize that they won’t be able to reach that expectation they give up entirely. Don’t let that happen to you,especially if you are setting intents related to your health and fitness. Create goals that challenge you, but that you know you can reach so that it motivates you to keep going.

To help you start off 2014 in a healthier way, and maintain that change throughout the year, we talked to our friends at Sports Club/LA on how to set Intents that are realistic for your personality and lifestyle to help you create permanent change. Follow these tips when making your 2014 New Year Intent lists.

  1. Avoid Specific Numbers and Go for Overall Change – The most popular “resolution” on lists this year will be “Lose x amount of pounds.” Stop right there. There have been several studies that show your weight number does not necessarily correlate to your overall health, so don’t put that pressure on yourself. If you start playing a numbers game then you already set yourself up for unnecessary pressure. Instead create an intent similar to “I intend to create a healthier lifestyle for myself.” It’s more general, but it leads to more lasting change. It means not only are you going to work out, but take into account your nutrition and spiritual health as well. When you begin to think broader about your overall health, you don’t tie yourself to a treadmill trying to sweat it out into a new pair of jeans. You begin making small changes in several aspects of your life to make you a happier person in general. Challenge yourself to think deeper, not heavier.
  2. Choose Smarter Nutrition Over Fad Diets – Your eating habits can account for up to 80% of your overall weight loss, so beginning to change your nutrition needs to be taken seriously. If you start automatically on January 1 (or tomorrow) on a fad diet that cuts out all of the foods that you’ve been used to eating, you won’t last very long. Instead it is about baby steps and making small, gradual changes so that you build making healthy choices into your routine instead of something you torture yourself to do for a few weeks – because then the results will be temporary as well. Look at improving your nutrition for good as your gateway to a healthier you! “What we choose to put in our mouth is the most intimate experience we’ll have, therefore it’s important that food be looked at with the intent of supporting and nourishing the body,” says Sports Club/LA nutritionist Karen Sherwood. “Foods that the body recognizes, i.e. fresh vegetables, fruits, lean proteins, healthy fats, and some grains should round out a person’s diet in moderate portion sizes. Weight loss is then just side effect of a truly nourished body. “
  3. Plan Challenging Routines that Don’t Ever Extend Yourself – The likelihood of you being able to go from couch to a 7-days a week work out regimen and sustain it is very unlikely. That is nothing to be ashamed of. Instead set a more realistic goal of 2-3 days a week to begin. This way if something comes up and you can’t make it one day you are still getting in a regular routine. Or start a regular class to get your feet wet – some place that will hold you accountable without overwhelming your schedule. As Karen also explains, creating a life change is about baby steps. “To make a complete life-change, taking baby steps and “leaning” into a new way of being is key. This enables us to pave a new foundation and build from there. It must begin with nutrition, and include an active life-style with focus on self care, rest, and stress management. When all of these wheels are working in harmony, the body and its relationship to food and the outside world begins to make sustainable change.”

Look over your list of 2014 intents and check them with these tips. If your current intents feel too numbers based or too specific, take a minute to think deeper – why are you setting that intent? Why is that something you desire? When you can answer those questions,  that is your true intent and focusing on that more encompassing goal will be more fulfilling than checking off a simple box. Setting an overall intent can allow you to make smaller goals, to create a plan of baby steps to reach it. Realize that creating true change in your life takes time and don’t rush it – allow yourself the patience to get there at the pace that is right for you.

Have you started your 2014 Intent list? We’d love to hear them so share in the comments below!

Creating A Healthy Mindset After a Divorce

relationship difficulties

Divorce is a difficult time in anyone’s life. There is a feeling of rejection, of anger, of frustration and distrust. While these emotions are normal they also can create significant problems for us moving forward in our lives and relationships. In my book “The Law of Sobriety” I talk about how love addictions can occur when someone feels that they are empty inside and that their emotional needs are not being met. This is certainly the case when a relationship breaks down, particularly if you are not willing to let it go because of your own emotional needs.

This is often triggered in a divorce, especially if we see ourselves as defined by the marriage. It can be a major issue when the relationship is not healthy in the first place but is a result of our addiction to love, rather than a healthy love that is mutually developed. We have created a relationship in our mind that is not one of mutual respect; rather it is one of constantly giving and constantly fearing that the other person will leave. When the divorce happens our worst fears are realized and we may find that we spiral out of control, desperately struggling to cling to the relationship or immediately jumping into a new, and ultimately unhealthy, rebound relationship.

While a divorce is going to be challenging we don’t have to fall into the same trap of choosing a bad partner and simply getting into a relationship because we aren’t comfortable without someone, anyone, in our life. We can create a positive mindset around divorce using the principles of the Law of Attraction.

The following three steps can be used to help you take the time you need to be comfortable and love yourself, building your own sense of confidence and empowerment:

1. Be alone

If you have a love addiction being alone is a terrifying experience. You have to develop a comfort with yourself and see yourself as lovable, loving and perfect in your own way. Once you have the ability to be alone, you no longer jump into bad relationships out of fear of not having someone to complete your life.

2. Learn from past relationships

Thinking back on past relationships and looking for patterns in the partners we choose and the ways we approach a relationship is all part of learning. If you don’t do this introspection and reflection you are destined to keep repeating the pattern and finding yourself in unfulfilling relationships.

3. Develop the characteristics you desire in a partner

We have to first recognize and articulate what we see as positive in ourselves before we can create the thought energy to bring like people into our world. If we see ourselves as lacking, we cannot focus on what we want, only what we don’t have. This creates negative energy around these traits, exactly the opposite of what we want to accomplish.

Once we are able to get ourselves into a positive place we can then begin to look for a partner that will not be negative, neglectful, abusive or absent, and truly find the love we deserve. It all starts by learning to love ourselves and create that positive energy, through our thoughts, about what a great partner truly looks like.

***

Sherry Gaba LCSW, a psychotherapist and life, love and recovery coach, is featured on Celebrity Rehab on VH1. Sherry is the author of  The Law of Sobriety, which uses the Law of Attraction to help people recover from addiction; she is also a contributor to Conscious Entrepreneurs, and to several e-books: Empowerment Manual: Finding Purpose with Intention, Filling the Empty Heart: 5 Keys to Transforming Love Addiction. The e-books Relapse Prevention and Eliminate Limiting Beliefs can be downloaded free of charge at www.sherrygaba.com. Contact Sherry for webinars, teleseminars, coaching packages and speaking engagements.

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3 Steps to Find Your Perfect Partner

day 55Have you ever stopped to think about how rarely we think about the traits we want in a partner in more than a passing way? Do you find that you seek a physical type and then hope that they have the character traits that you desire? Or, do you find yourself imagining that you can wish the traits into their character once you get the relationship started?

In fact there is a way to ensure that you bring just the right person into your life. Now this isn’t just magical or wishful thinking. Rather, it’s about focusing your thoughts about yourself and your ideal mate in a way that makes you open to the  person you want to meet.

There is a progression of activities to help you get to this point. It does take a bit of thinking and being honest with yourself, but it will be effective in attracting the right type of people into your life. The following tips will help you get started in organizing and focusing in on your relationship thoughts.

Step 1: What do I deserve in a partner?

This is a critical first step. If you don’t see yourself as deserving of that perfect partner, then you cannot expect him or her to walk into your life. You have to believe that you are worthy and deserving of a partner to fulfill your dreams and desires. Good self-esteem is one major factor in meeting the right person, since you have to feel good about yourself to attract someone that will feel good about you too.

Step 2: What do you really want?

Start by making a list of the traits or characteristics that you really desire. Is it a sense of humor, an intellect or a person that is understanding and empathetic? Think on these behaviors and see yourself with the person. What does the relationships look like and feel like? What are your feelings about the relationship? By imaging the relationship as it is, you will be more clear with potential partners about your vision of a relationship.

Step 3: Bring love into your life

Love is the greatest of human emotion, and it is a powerful tool for attracting the type of relationship that you are looking for. Surround yourself with people you love, including your pets, and also share your feelings of love with others. The more love you put out, the more that will be returned.

 

Originally published September 2012

You Are The Love You Are Looking For

Self-love“What you are looking for, is what is looking.”  – St. Francis of Assisi

You will never get the love you truly yearn for from your partner. They may evoke a sense of love within you but that evoking happens within YOU. They never gave it to you; it was there prior to them and it is here when they are not present. It has nothing to do with another; it is simply a projection of yourself.

Let’s try something for a moment, bring into your awareness the person you have felt the most loved and cared by, really allow yourself to feel that for a moment. Notice that even though they aren’t here you can still feel this love. That’s because it is contained within you. It is you. It’s not separate.

Thoughts like, “I want them to love me” keep you from the awareness of the love that is here already, the love that you are.  So many of us get blinded by believing thoughts about who we think we are, and then we loose sight of our true essence. When these thoughts like “I need more love” are believed, we feel incomplete, and then the mind starts searching for this completion in the world.

Some people search in relationships, others in food, money, drugs but regardless, they all boil down to the same misunderstanding, that who you are is not whole already. This core misunderstanding creates our suffering, a sense of incompleteness, and then the mind believes its fulfillment is gained in life.

If you are looking for this love to be filled by another it will never be enough. As soon as the search is outside yourself you move away from the awareness that love is what you are already. Even if you were to “find love” it could only be temporarily satisfying and could never deeply offer you what you yearn for because you are still moving from this core misunderstanding.

We often avoid being with this sense of incompleteness; fear of not being enough, and the search for it to be filled keeps us away from truly arriving where we are. This fear seems so much bigger than it is. In reality it’s only a thought in the mind that tricks you into believing that you need love and results as dense energy in the body.

The ironic thing is if there is a willingness to stop and suspend the search for more, even if it’s just for a moment and truly be with what is, you can discover that even this sense of incompletion is an invitation calling us back home to ourselves.

You never needed anyone or thing to complete you. It was simply a misunderstanding, a mis-identification. Who you are IS love – just as you are now.

We become blind to this realization when we believe the thoughts that keep us on a continuous search for more.

Nothing needs to change in order for you to realize this. That’s the thing about realization, it only happens NOW. It is always a moment-to-moment invitation to discover for yourself what is true…to discover who you are beyond all the beliefs.

Notice that this love is within you. It is actually who and what you are.

There is only one…and you are it!

I welcome you home to your deepest Self.

* * *

 Alyssa is offering intent readers:
50% Off Couples Counseling Consultation (California only) as well as
$100 Off her upcoming Bali Wellness Retreat
Please email Connect@AlyssaNobriga.com to learn more

Photo credit: Loving Earth

5 Ways To Turn Your Relationship Into A Romance

stock-footage-loving-couple-at-sunsetI never was a romantic. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t sentimental; I cried at the expected moments during chick flicks and even the occasional TV commercial. I enjoyed celebrating anniversaries of first dates and bringing unexpected gifts home to my partner for no reason. But I didn’t believe in such fantasies as “true love” and “love at first sight.”

Until I met the Love of My Life, Kiran, I was hopelessly pragmatic. I’d cite statistics when talking with my friends about finding life partners.

“Look,” I’d say, assuming a newscaster tone of voice, “There are 7 billion people on this planet. If you get out there and meet enough of them, you’re sure to find a soul mate. It’s a numbers game.”

But my worldview got turned upside-down this year. I met Kiran completely by chance on a beach in Costa Rica early in 2008 — and it was love at first sight. However, thanks in part to my no-nonsense nature, it took us three years to venture from friendship into relationship territory.

When we did make the decision to give our romance a chance to blossom this past spring, it flourished like Jack’s beanstalk. I moved from San Francisco to LA to be with Kiran after only two months of dating. We eloped less than three months after that.

Suddenly, I find that I am no longer “Miss Practicality,” as my college friends nicknamed me decades ago. I’ll be sitting at a restaurant telling new acquaintances mine and Kiran’s love story, and I’ll find myself saying things like, “It was meant to be,” and “He is my destiny.”

During our short time together as a couple, Kiran and I have navigated our share of scratchy patches. Yet even when we have misunderstandings or I get snappy (which I do too often… but hey, I’m working on it!), we find our way back to a profound connection and deep love.

Let’s be honest here: Kiran gets most of the credit. Unlike me, he was born a romantic — wildly creative, beautifully sensitive and capable of imagining a world that is far more magical than ours. The care and attention he gives our romance has kept our intimate bond sacred.

While we co-authored this blog, the lessons are Kiran’s. I only hope that by sharing them, I can inspire you in the ways that the Love of My Life has inspired me.

1. Call it a romance

Relationships are work. That’s what you hear people say, time and again.

“So let’s not call it a relationship,” is Kiran’s response. “Let’s call it a romance.”

The simple act of giving our partnership this label makes it feel special. When you’re in a relationship, it does take work to settle conflicts. When you’re in a romance, it takes a passionate moment of disagreement, followed by an even more passionate reconnection.

2. Gush on each other

Kiran is truly gifted in paying compliments. Several evenings a week, when he comes home from work, he sits me down on the sofa and begins reciting to me all the reasons that he loves me. “My love supreme,” he says, cradling my head in his hands. “You are so beautiful, so talented…” (I won’t go on and on here as he does, lest you grow annoyed and click away.)

Several times a week, I receive a voicemail from Kiran. He’s singing a made-up song about how much he adores me.

“I like to gush on you,” Kiran says. He didn’t have to teach me to do the same. I started mimicking him on my own accord.

Seriously, I don’t think you can gush on your loved one too much. There’s simply no such thing.

3. Take multiple mini-moons

Kiran and I only took a one-night honeymoon after we eloped in September, as he was starting a new job the next day. We jokingly called it our “mini-moon.” But then, a few weekends ago, Kiran decided that we needed an escape from everyday life in order to cultivate our romance.

So he booked a room at a Santa Monica hotel for one night. Sure, it was only 15 minutes from home, but it felt a world away with its ocean view, room service, and complimentary bottle of champagne from the front desk clerk who loved us.

This gave us the idea of taking frequent “mini-moons” throughout your relationship. Why wait for your anniversary? You don’t need an excuse to get away from dishes, groceries, and even kids for a night when you’re living a romance. It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money, either. You can always check into a cheap motel or even swap houses with couple friends who also need a break from their daily routine.

4. Handle with care

Okay, let’s get serious here. Even when you’re talking romance (and not relationship), there is some work involved. Kiran says, “Romances are strong, but they’re also very fragile. You need to nurture them.”

It’s critical to own your stuff. When you’re triggered by something your beloved says or does, rather than reacting from a hurt place — lashing out with criticisms, getting defensive — take a deep breath. Say, “I need a moment to clear my head” and take a short walk. Do what you need to do to respond from your heart, with tender loving care.

Also (note to self) mind the snippy little remarks that can sneak out when you’re hungry or tired. Treat your romance like the delicate rose that serves as its most celebrated symbol.

5. Practice devotion

Don’t just say it; do it. Put your beloved’s needs first: before your work, before your friends, even before your family of origin. Practice devotion to your romantic partner.

Every day, Kiran makes the deliberate choice to show me that I am his No. 1 priority. Even when stretched thin during a 14-hour film shoot, he still takes the time to text me, call me, and let me know that he’s thinking of me. As a result, I never doubt his commitment to us and to our fine romance.

This devotion to one another is the container that keeps the relationship safe and secure. It is the vase containing the water that sustains the rose and revives it after its delicate petals have been bruised.

Kiran, Love of my Life, I adore you. I am blessed to be your wife. Thank you for the magic you bring into my life.

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Originally published in 2011

The #1 Secret of Great Relationships


Behind all the issues that separate an ordinary relationship from a great one, is one common factor. Behind all the truly helpful advice on improving your life together, there lies one key to a great relationship.

Many different kinds of problems can cause a relationship to fall apart. Physical or emotional abuse, addictions, cheating, jealousy, and neediness are just a few of the issues that can destroy a relationship. But once the many potentially disastrous problems have been avoided, what have you got? Perhaps a relationship that qualifies only as "pretty good." But what creates a really great relationship?

At the beginning, we are in relationship because we are attracted to the other person – we think they are sexy, smart, funny, whatever it is that we find appealing. But very quickly, the focus of the relationship turns to whether we feel appreciated. If we don’t feel appreciated, we don’t feel loved.

It is common for those entering into a relationship to hold an idealized image of how a perfect partner is supposed to act. Perhaps a man is supposed to open car doors. Perhaps a woman is supposed to wear a certain kind of underwear. The internal dialog goes something like this, "Jim (or Sally) is a wonderful person and loves me. After we’re together, he will change because he loves me so much. He will stop wanting to hang out with his friends, watch football games, whatever." How can anyone feel appreciated when their loved one is wishing or hoping for them to change.

The greatest roadblock to a great relationship is trying to force a partner to change through bribes or threats. This classic human tendency is lampooned in the long-running off-Broadway musical comedy "I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change." It’s funny to watch other people go through the cycle of searching for the perfect mate, believing they have found that person, and than gradually attempting to remold the supposedly perfect partner. Unfortunately, in real life, this pattern is a cause of immense suffering.

I Love You Just the Way You Are

The number one secret of a great relationship is accepting our partner EXACTLY as they are. We cause ourselves untold misery whenever we believe our loved ones to be imperfect and try to change them.

To create a great relationship, say and mean, "I love you just the way you are." No pretense. No hoping for change. No thought that it used to be better, or might get better. Follow through by living into that sentiment every day.

Falling into the trap of thinking, "I wish you were different" or "Please change." is no way to show your love. Happiness lies in this number one rule of great relationships: Love and accept your partner exactly the way they are.

 

Finding Love: 101

My Intent is to find love

 


What Does It Mean to Find Love?
 
There are few things in life as important to the great majority of us as finding a good romantic relationship. But while some have no trouble finding love, others struggle mightily, the detritus of bad relationships strewn behind them.
 
But still we persevere, because we know that finding love – even a soulmate – can add great dimension to our lives: At its best, romantic love offers great joy, spiritual connection, and deep feelings of being understood, desired, and appreciated. It can be the foundation of a family and a bulwark against the myriad trials we all face as we try to make our way in the world.
 
How Can I Achieve My Intent?
An exclusive round-up of the best thinking from leading experts
 
“To find love you need to be in the right frame of mind. Everything in life is about timing and you have to be emotionally available and exude confidence. Don’t just sit around and wait for love to find you, you need to go out and find it!” – Janis Spindel, founder of Serious Matchmaking, Inc., and author of Get Serious About Getting Married: 365 Proven Ways to Find Love in Less Than a Year
 
Not truly getting the fact that you are lovable whether or not someone is in love with is the single biggest ‘stopper’ when it comes to finding a partner. If you love yourself, feel complete even without a man or woman in your bed, you are golden. If you need a man’s or woman’s esteem in order to have self-esteem, or get rocked to the core when someone you barely know rejects you, you are looking for someone to define you, not just share your life. Work on loving yourself. That is the key to attracting love and light into your life.” – Sherry Amatenstein, author of Love Lessons from Bad Breakups and The Q&A Dating Book
 
Sometimes it’s our sexual chemistry that leads us to finding real love—which is more than the chaotic mindlessness of ‘falling in love.’ The sexual route leads through mindfulness, like the route to any other of life’s deep mysteries. It means exploring new emotional landscapes. It means opening your wild, precious, vulnerable self and allowing the Divine to move through your body. It means daring to know that what you want. There’s a popular myth that desire ought to be spontaneous, a kind of hormonal deus ex machina that drops from the heavens. But for many of us desire takes conscious preparation — especially if you’ve been raised to believe that ‘good girls don’t,’ and aren’t supposed to speak up about it, either. So take time out to create a detailed manifesto of what you want sexually and how you want it. Because, at the end of the day, the being who most needs to hear this information is you.” — Gina Ogden, Ph.D., author of The Return of Desire: A Guide to Rediscovering Your Sexual Passion
 
“When it comes to finding love, regardless of whether there is an initial attraction, try to throw out the pad of paper in your head that has you listing their pros and cons as a long-term life partner. By suspending judgment you will be able to engage in the conversation more freely and appreciate the getting to know you process. And as for dating, don’t rule out the second date. You see the truth is, you can’t really get to know someone or your feelings for them in the time it takes to drink one drink, so give them and yourself a chance. And take it from me, love has a way of finding people — some sooner than others, but it is worth the wait!” – Sherri Langburt, founder of SingleEdition.com
 
Where Do I Start?
 
“The best thing you can do for your future relationship is to begin to learn to fully love yourself. This self-love will not make you more inward or selfish. Rather, it is only the person who truly loves him or herself who is able to offer that love outward." — Peggy Rowe Ward, co-author of Love’s Garden: A Guide to Mindful Relationships
 
 
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Find Love Intent Voices
 
 
More 101s
 

Be Happier
How to Stress Less
Lead A Healthier Life
Start A Yoga Practice
Learn to Meditate
Find Work You Love
Cope With A Serious Illness
Find More Balance
Losing Weight

 

 

Big Love

I had been studying Feng Shui and manifestation techniques (law of attraction,) for several years, when I decided it was time to meet the man I would marry. I understood the importance of being specific when a change or something new was desired and out came a pad and I wrote down all of the characteristics that I was looking for in a partner. I also took a critical look at my bedroom and made some changes.

 
My bedroom was large but very long and narrow and half of the space was an office with a computer. The space felt awkward and lacked the cozy, peaceful feeling that I desired for my bedroom. So, I divided the length of the room into two sections by attaching a piece of fabric to a tension rod.
 
I removed all excess clutter, cleaned like crazy and organized what remained. Doing so is a crucial step when wanting to manifest, as clutter and dirt keep energy low and contribute to less than clear thinking.
 
Weekly, I placed fresh flowers in the love area of my bedroom, which is the far right corner of a room when standing at the doorway. I also had a pair of candles in the space. Daily, I would look at the flowers and candles and felt what it would be like to be in love.I would also "feel" those magical sensations of being in love when walking or driving or whenever I thought about it.
 
With my new decorations in place, the change in the energy in the room was remarkable! My office felt like an office and my bedroom felt cozy and romantic. My bed was in the commanding position. My dust ruffle was the pale pink fabric and my duvet cover was pinks and green. The pink color would bring in a new romance. I hung a crystal over my head to bring in the new energy of a man. Finally, I hung a loved-filled velvet quilt that I had made directly across my bed so that I could look at it and feel its energy. (I had conceived of this quilt at a retreat given by my spiritual teacher during a meditation. I designed the quilt in her meditation room and it has spent considerable time at the center.)
 
Then, I turned to the Internet and to the on-line personal classifieds. In 1999, on-line dating was still a fairly new practice and I chose Yahoo. I spent a few days reading the posted ads written by men and was struck by how generic they all sounded, “Fit, intelligent handsome man seeking beautiful, thin, smart woman…” How generic and boring!
 
So I wrote an ad that described me and what I was looking for in a man. I did not want hundreds of responses—I wanted men who fit the list I had already created! The first man who responded was an old student of my spiritual teacher, Bella. The second man was a friend of a neighbor. The third man became my husband!
 
Dave possesses the twenty traits I had written down! I found exactly what I had been looking for in a partner. You can, too. Just be specific in your intent and visualizations, project the feelings associated with meeting the perfect person (or any change), be proactive and apply Harmonious Adjustments until your environment looks and feels wonderful.
 
One more note…we met on what is considered an auspicious day by many, 9/9/99. We married exactly 2 years later and we are now planning a great celebration for 9/9/09!
 




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For specifics on all the techniques I used, read Harmonious Environment: Beautify, Detoxify & Energize Your Life, Your Home & Your Planet, copyright 2007

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

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