Tag Archives: self-respect

Don’t Get Weighed Down by Other People’s Baggage

My bike is olive green, and apropos of this, his name is Oliver. I bought him about two years ago, and it was one of the best purchases I’ve ever made. Suddenly, ho-hum commutes became joy rides, and parking anywhere in the city was a breeze. He even has a quaint little basket. See:

Ollie
Oliver, fall 2011.

The problem is that more times than I can count, someone uses my basket as his or her personal garbage receptacle. (9 times out of 10 the trash is from Dunkin Donuts; I’m just reporting the facts here). It happened this morning, while I was at Equinox taking a Long & Lean fitness class with bright light and big OG supporter Lauren Hefez, and the ire prompted this tweet.

Screen-shot-2013-06-27-at-11.09.50-PM

Grrr, I was mad.

Arriving to teach this evening at Inner Strength, one of my students mentioned that the tweet made him laugh. He also shared that he has a pick-up truck.

“You can’t imagine the sh*t people throw in there… I’ve found chicken wings…”

Seriously? What is wrong with people, I thought.

Until I realized that it isn’t so outlandish, really. People try to put their junk on others all the time. And while it might not be fair that we should have to throw out other people’s crap, what else can you do—leave it in your basket? Let someone else’s garbage weigh you down? Hell, no.

Whether it’s a limiting belief about yourself or the world, unnecessary drama, or garden variety emotionally petrified rubbish, some people don’t know how to dispose of it properly. It’s not your job, but if it lands in your bike basket, pick-up truck, relationship, or office environment, then your best bet is to take the trash out. Make it swift, let it go, and move on to the next thing. (I understand this is easier when it’s a coffee cup or half-eaten egg sandwich). But the bottom line is that you can’t carry around other people’s crap for them. We’ve all learned this the hard way, and today was a gentler reminder for me (metaphorically speaking).

We have better things with which to fill our baskets and lives, and handling our own thoughts and actions is tough enough (not to mention the only things we can control). I wasn’t happy about the trash, but it made for a welcome reminder that a lighter load always makes for a more joyful journey.

Originally published on my website, Om Gal.

8 Tools to Free Yourself from Bullies and Attract People Who Respect You

Screen Shot 2013-07-05 at 1.19.20 PMHave you ever been bullied? Were you able to respond to the bully in a way that valued YOU?

I grew up with a mother who was a bully. My response was to shut down into a kind of frozen numbness. When I was 12 I started smoking cigarettes and at 16 I started drinking – all to continue the numbing process so as not to feel the pain.

Now, many years of therapy and meditation later, I’ve un-numbed myself, let go of cigarettes and alcohol, and found my true self. Life is filled with love, joy, and inner peace. Along the way, I had to learn how to stand up for myself and speak my truth. It took courage and perseverance, but  I arrived at a place where I can respond to people in-the-moment if they are disrespectful.

I continued to attract bullies until I learned to step into my power, be vulnerable, and state my truth.

Here are my 8 Keys to addressing a bully and giving them an opportunity to apologize. They might apologize, or they might not – I’ve experienced both. Either way, the success is yours, because you have spoken your truth. Your self-confidence builds and eventually, if a bully starts up, you can dismiss them quickly, and easily, without getting upset.

1. Be Emotionally Honest With Yourself.
Are you emotionally honest? Ask yourself: How do I feel when a person is abusive to me? Angry? Hurt? Paralyzed with fear? Numb? The important thing here is to be HONEST WITH YOURSELF about how you feel. This is the primary key to freeing yourself from the prison of victimization.

2. Accept – Don’t Judge Yourself
Keep the focus on yourself, not on the bully. Accept your present moment, whatever it contains. Beware the ego coming in and dismissing your feelings, saying things like: ”It’s no big deal”, “I’m fine” etc. The Ego doesn’t like us being put down so it might try and distract you by focusing on the bully or rationalize you out of your feelings. Stay with your present-moment reality, no matter how uncomfortable (uncomfortable is good because it means you are moving away from  an old habit that doesn’t serve you) – simply allowing things to be as they are, without judging yourself. And have compassion for yourself – you’re doing the best you can with the best conscious awareness you have in the moment.

3. Listen To Your Body
If you don’t know how you feel, your body will tell you. Are you contracted in fear or rage? Is your heart heavy with pain? Or do you just feel numb all over? Whatever is happening, allow it to be so. Your body is your friend. It acts like a shock absorber in stressful situations to help you deal with things. Pay attention because the body gives us warning signals when we are not in harmony and at ease with a person/situation. The more in tune you are with your body, the easier it is to address things early on, before they escalate into something worse.

4. Get Support
Find a friend or a family member you are close to, someone who loves you very much. Tell them what happened. This will bring you some instant relief and the powerful loving support you need to speak up to the bully. Allow yourself to RECEIVE the love of your friend to fill yourself up and build your confidence.

5. Be Willing To Let Go of the Person/Situation
Before you address the bully, spend some time in self-reflection and realize that you might have to walk away from this person, or from this situation. Friends can be helpful here to help you see things clearly. You might not have to let go, but you might. A lot depends on the response of the bully. Do they apologize? Do they “get it”? If not, they are highly likely to bully you again.

6. Speak Your Truth
Speaking your truth means respecting yourself enough to let people know that you deserve respect. Bullies will transform, or leave. Either way, you win!

Best case scenario is to speak to the bully in person, in a calm, courteous, respectful manner, simply stating how you feel about what happened. Bring a friend as a witness and for support. If that is not possible, talk on the phone, your friend standing by. Third best option – send an email or letter. Know this truth: bullies, underneath their aggressiveness, are cowards. In many instances, they are embarrassed you’ve called them out and apologize, which allows the possibility of taking the relationship to a whole new level. If they don’t apologize, see #5!

7. Be Courageous and Allow Yourself To Be Vulnerable
Courage means going into the unknown in spite of all the fears. Courage does not mean fearlessness. Fearlessness happens over time when you go on being more and more courageous. In the beginning, the only difference between a coward and a courageous person is that the coward listens to their fears and follows them; the courageous person puts them aside and goes ahead. The courageous person can say, for example: “What you said hurt me”, in spite of  inner trembling and a constricted throat.

Be willing to be vulnerable, befriend your fears, and remember that this situation is happening for you, not to you. It’s helping you step out of victim into mastery of yourself. It’s helping you expand even more into who you are.

8. Practice Expressive Meditation
Expressive Meditation techniques can help you become more aware of your feelings and be honest with yourself. The Gibberish expressive meditation is great for releasing the charge of  anger, rage, frustration and resentment, and helps you come back to a calm, neutral place of clarity.

You can learn to express your emotions without being emotional.

Expressive techniques for healing grief, sadness, and emotional pain, help with the emotional wounding that can keep you in a victim state. You will experience pain transforming into peace and love.

From personal experience these 8 keys work! By speaking your truth you attract people who treat you with courtesy and respect…. because you are treating YOURSELF with courtesy and respect!

I look forward to your comments.

Who Needs A Partner When You Can Marry Your Self?

FreedomDo you think that you need someone else to make you happy? Why not marry yourself instead? Nadine Schweigert, a woman in South Dakota who had been through a divorce, created a wedding ceremony to marry herself. If that sounds strange to you, then maybe you’ve never abandoned your true Self. But if you’re like me you may have found yourself in relationships where you separated from your authentic Self to please others and make them happy. Self-betrayal is no way to have a healthy relationship with anyone. So the woman in South Dakota invited a small group of friends and family to join her in a celebration of vows to herself. The vows included a commitment to love, respect, and cherish her Self.

How often do we think we need someone else to love us to be happy when what we really need is to make the big steps to care for, nurture, and love ourselves? This kind of Self love is not the narcissistic kind that focuses on taking care of selfish pleasures. It’s about going deep and learning to give the kind of love that we yearn for from others to ourselves. When we marry our Self, we develop the relationship between our self and that higher, Divine Self. That wise Self will guide and dance with us. Life becomes magical and alive with synchronicity. It may not always be easy, but Nadine says that through kindness to herself she lost 50 pounds and stopped drinking.

If you were to fall in love with your Self and write a love letter, what would that look and feel like? What would you say? I challenge you to at least begin to look at your Self with the look of love using eyes of kindness that appreciate your qualities. Why not give your Self a hug and say, “I do”?

* * *

Debra Moffitt is the award winning author of Awake in the World: 108 Practices to Live a Divinely Inspired Life and “Garden of Bliss: Cultivating the Inner Landscape for Self-Discovery”. A visionary, dreamer and teacher, she’s devoted to nurturing the spiritual in everyday life. She leads workshops on spiritual practices, writing and creativity in the U.S. and Europe. More at http://www.awakeintheworld.com and on Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/DebraMoffittAwakeintheWorld

Are You A Self-Violator?

 

 This weekend, as I’m leading The Shadow Process, I can’t help but be present to how mean we are to our most precious selves. My heart aches thinking about the years, months, weeks, days, hours, and minutes that we spend thinking negative thoughts, dwelling on painful experiences and repeating old patterns. If we truly are going for a better life — more love, more peace, more fun, more intimacy, more success, more money, more anything good — then we must unconceal what prevents us from feeling worthy of receiving the gifts that we all deserve. So today is the day when you can begin to admit the truth that you might be the culprit who is keeping yourself from having it all. 


Take this test:

  1. Do you say more than five negative things to yourself each day? 

  2. Do you think negative thoughts about your life, your body, your talent or your future? (Tell the truth!) 

  3. Are there regrets from more than a month ago stored in your body? 

  4. Are you carrying a resentment toward someone from your past who has hurt, betrayed or caused you pain in some way? 

  5. Do you keep your mouth shut when you want to speak up? 

  6. Do you say "Yes" when you mean "No" more than twice a week? 

  7. Do you eat foods that make you feel bad or have you wishing you had made a better choice? 

  8. Have you been working on a goal for more than a year with no plan, no support structure or no confidence that you can really fulfill it? 

  9. Do you spend more time dwelling in the past than living in the present? 

  10. Do you constantly wish for something that you don’t have?

If you answered yes to three or more of these questions, I’d like you to consider that you are participating in self-violation — crimes against yourself — mean, cruel, hurtful and dishonoring acts which cause you to shrink in the face of greatness and rob you of living a life you love. 

As a self-violator, you are the one who continues the self-abuse. You are the one who hurts yourself with your thoughts, your words, your actions or your non-actions. And you are the ONLY one who can take responsibility, take back your power and change self-violation to self-love, self-care self-respect, self-dignity and self-success. 

Transformational Action Step 

This weekend, while most of you will not be with me at The Shadow Process, you can begin your own by writing out a list of all the ways you violate yourself. Then make the commitment to begin the process of transforming self-cruelty into self-love. Next week we will continue this journey with what you can do to bring more love to that which you loathe.

 With love and blessings,
Debbie Ford 

 

Find Your Strengths through Your Vulnerabilities

 Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strengths. ~ Sigmund Freud

 “I had such a dream last night…I feel like a ton of bricks came down on me. I have messed up my life. I am really afraid of commitment.”

This is what a girlfriend said to me recently. And this is the reality of what is going on for many people. As I have said, whatever you have been hiding from yourself is coming to the surface and yes, it may feel like a ton of bricks or the icy cold slap across the face. The mask of denial, of manipulation, of negativity and escapisms is coming off. You are being given an opportunity to deal with those patterns or at least acknowledge them, becoming more aware of this simple reality of your choices you have made. And as this friend said to me later in the day, “What a relief!”  Self respect and self love have arrived.

You are going to grow if you make that choice to look at your choices, the reasons for your choice and decide what you truly want to be with your life. This moment of reality with the truth of what you had created and it is now up to you what you do with it. You can continue with the games with yourself or you can face those issues and see how loveable you are and the ways that past simply made you that way. Wounds will begin to heal with self forgiveness. Ho‘oponopono is great for this.

On the AIR November 11th  show, Rev. Kenneth Roberts and I discussed these very things. If you are out of integrity with yourself, your sacred contract with yourself, with Spirit/Source/God or others, this is the time to get a solid clue. Take that leap of faith, make the changes needed and things will come your way. It is time to make up for your doings and trust yourself and others. Trust your feelings on the people around you and look to see if the friend truly has only their best interest at heart, not yours. Respect yourself. Embrace the friends that are truly looking out and have love for you.

Friends are great mirrors for you. Do they hold you with integrity, being the way you want to be…honest and trustworthy, devoted and peaceful… Or lead you away from your true self and heart? Are you living in your heart with those with you? Or you playing games with them, if so…why?  What is the gain? Are you treating others the way you want to be treated or manipulating them? Intentional or unknowingly? Be aware of your choices in friendships and the ways you are around them and with them. See the influences others are having on you as you may be doing the same to them.

Yes, the process can be tough, seeing how you may have made mistakes in your life in ways… that is your past. Forgive yourself and everyone involved. Look at where you are and what you really want to achieve. Where you want to be and who you want in your life? Did your fear or ego change a good situation that you want back? Is it best to let go or make amends? Make sure you are answering with your heart and not the controlling ego, the trickster. The ego doesn’t want to change or let go of control. Letting it go is freedom. 

The questioning can be overwhelming at times and many feel just be in the moment. It all happens as it suppose to. Yes, though there is a responsibility and consequence for this moment. Each moment leads to another and the sum of the whole is made up of those “moments.” The moments can be a mistake and change your life in direction you may not really want to go (free will), though it is only mistakes if you don’t learn from it, correct what you can, to get that integrity back.

Sincere apologies are not a sign of weakness; it is compassion and vulnerability of the heart. The empathic connection with your truths and the actions you may have taken or not taken. Patience may be a part of the lessons for all the people involved with the understanding of the choices made; realigning to the heart of the matter and the trusting what is for the highest good for all.

Time has come for all of us to make a decision about our lives and the creation we desire that life to be. The last two weeks have been intense eye-openers for many, including me. Reconnecting with my sacred contract with self and Spirit, I do know the directions I am working towards and the people I wish to include in this journey. I embrace them spiritually each day as I count my blessings. I can only be receptive, patience and be presence to the moment with integrity, trust and love. I may have closed some doors out of self respect and integrity, though the door remains unlocked. I have learned to accept people for whom and what they are, as they are; seeing the highest potential and possibility in each as well where they are in the moment. I have learned that sometimes the best thing I can do is to leave for a time and let that space open; lessons to be learn, hopefully for all. It is up to each of us to look inside and be what is right for us.

So with this time of growth, be present of your choices, through free will or obligations, learn to fully trust and love yourself. Then take the steps toward being the person others know you can be, though you have been afraid to be. Step into your true light. You will find that peace when you take those steps to be true to yourself and truly allow others to enjoy that you with respect and integrity. 

I thank you all for reading this blog and being present in my journey. Namaste.



Find Your Strengths through Your Vulnerabilities

 Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strengths. ~ Sigmund Freud

 “I had such a dream last night…I feel like a ton of bricks came down on me. I have messed up my life. I am really afraid of commitment.”

This is what a girlfriend said to me recently. And this is the reality of what is going on for many people. As I have said, whatever you have been hiding from yourself is coming to the surface and yes, it may feel like a ton of bricks or the icy cold slap across the face. The mask of denial, of manipulation, of negativity and escapisms is coming off. You are being given an opportunity to deal with those patterns or at least acknowledge them, becoming more aware of this simple reality of your choices you have made. And as this friend said to me later in the day, “What a relief!”  Self respect and self love have arrived.

You are going to grow if you make that choice to look at your choices, the reasons for your choice and decide what you truly want to be with your life. This moment of reality with the truth of what you had created and it is now up to you what you do with it. You can continue with the games with yourself or you can face those issues and see how loveable you are and the ways that past simply made you that way. Wounds will begin to heal with self forgiveness. Ho‘oponopono is great for this.

On the AIR November 11th  show, Rev. Kenneth Roberts and I discussed these very things. If you are out of integrity with yourself, your sacred contract with yourself, with Spirit/Source/God or others, this is the time to get a solid clue. Take that leap of faith, make the changes needed and things will come your way. It is time to make up for your doings and trust yourself and others. Trust your feelings on the people around you and look to see if the friend truly has only their best interest at heart, not yours. Respect yourself. Embrace the friends that are truly looking out and have love for you.

Friends are great mirrors for you. Do they hold you with integrity, being the way you want to be…honest and trustworthy, devoted and peaceful… Or lead you away from your true self and heart? Are you living in your heart with those with you? Or you playing games with them, if so…why?  What is the gain? Are you treating others the way you want to be treated or manipulating them? Intentional or unknowingly? Be aware of your choices in friendships and the ways you are around them and with them. See the influences others are having on you as you may be doing the same to them.

Yes, the process can be tough, seeing how you may have made mistakes in your life in ways… that is your past. Forgive yourself and everyone involved. Look at where you are and what you really want to achieve. Where you want to be and who you want in your life? Did your fear or ego change a good situation that you want back? Is it best to let go or make amends? Make sure you are answering with your heart and not the controlling ego, the trickster. The ego doesn’t want to change or let go of control. Letting it go is freedom. 

The questioning can be overwhelming at times and many feel just be in the moment. It all happens as it suppose to. Yes, though there is a responsibility and consequence for this moment. Each moment leads to another and the sum of the whole is made up of those “moments.” The moments can be a mistake and change your life in direction you may not really want to go (free will), though it is only mistakes if you don’t learn from it, correct what you can, to get that integrity back.

Sincere apologies are not a sign of weakness; it is compassion and vulnerability of the heart. The empathic connection with your truths and the actions you may have taken or not taken. Patience may be a part of the lessons for all the people involved with the understanding of the choices made; realigning to the heart of the matter and the trusting what is for the highest good for all.

Time has come for all of us to make a decision about our lives and the creation we desire that life to be. The last two weeks have been intense eye-openers for many, including me. Reconnecting with my sacred contract with self and Spirit, I do know the directions I am working towards and the people I wish to include in this journey. I embrace them spiritually each day as I count my blessings. I can only be receptive, patience and be presence to the moment with integrity, trust and love. I may have closed some doors out of self respect and integrity, though the door remains unlocked. I have learned to accept people for whom and what they are, as they are; seeing the highest potential and possibility in each as well where they are in the moment. I have learned that sometimes the best thing I can do is to leave for a time and let that space open; lessons to be learn, hopefully for all. It is up to each of us to look inside and be what is right for us.

So with this time of growth, be present of your choices, through free will or obligations, learn to fully trust and love yourself. Then take the steps toward being the person others know you can be, though you have been afraid to be. Step into your true light. You will find that peace when you take those steps to be true to yourself and truly allow others to enjoy that you with respect and integrity. 

I thank you all for reading this blog and being present in my journey. Namaste.



7 Secrets for a Happy Life

We all want to be happy, but something always gets in the way. There is never enough time… or money. Somebody is always failing to do what they are "supposed" to do… or not do. Our boss, our spouse, our kids, our parents, our friends, government, big business, whoever… "They" aren’t doing it right. "They" failed us. We are angry, and we have a right to be angry. But is that righteous anger making us happy?

Happiness is not something anyone else can give us… or take away from us. Happiness is what we make of our lives… or don’t. Whatever our circumstances, we can create a joyful life… or a miserable life. It is up to us.

Here are 7 Secrets for a Happy Life

1. Respect Yourself: If I don’t love and respect myself, who will? It all starts right here with ME. If I think that I’m a pretty good person, it doesn’t much matter what anyone else thinks. And the irony is that once I like myself, most everyone else will like me too. People enjoy being around people who speak well of themselves – not in an arrogant boastful way, but with honest self-appreciation.

2. Forgive Everyone for Everything: Angry and happy don’t mix. Flush out the angry, and the happy has a place to put down roots. Until we forgive everyone for everything, we hold on to anger and resentment. Once we forgive, we can become happy. Forgiving is not a gift to someone else – Forgiving is our gift to ourselves – a great gift – the gift of happiness.

3. Be Grateful for All of Life: Each of us has been infinitely blessed – beginning with the gift of life. Whatever may appear to be missing or broken on any particular day, our glass is not half full, it is 99.9% full. More practically, when we feel ungrateful, we become unhappy. When we choose to feel and express our gratitude, the act of feeling and speaking our thanks creates a happiness within us. The more we express our gratitude, the more we have for which to be grateful. Today and every day, take time to celebrate life – whether an hour’s meditation in a quiet natural space, or a brief moment’s conscious pause to breathe deeply and celebrate gratitude for life.

4. Choose Happiness: Everything in life is a choice. There is never anything we ever "need" to do. Every action and thought is a choice and has consequences – pleasant or unpleasant. Whether you go to work today, change jobs, smile at the bank teller, yell at your kids, complain about life, hold a daily celebration of gratitude for life – they are all choices. Happiness is a choice. Stay alert and make conscious choices for happiness.

5. Begin at the End: You can never reach your destination if you don’t have a destination. Decide what accomplishments you want recorded on your tombstone. Take a whole quiet day to consider your life. Be very clear that your happiness does NOT depend on reaching your goal. In fact, it’s the reverse. Your happiness depends on accepting whatever life throws at you while you walk the path toward your goal. What is important for your happiness is having a goal, and working toward it.

6. Start Today: Whatever you want in life, start today. Not tomorrow – today. Let it be a small beginning – a tiny beginning. Your happiness depends on starting today – every day.

7. Accept that Life is NOT "Supposed to be Fair": Know that there is no single way that life is "supposed" to be. Demanding that life meet our expectations is a sure fire recipe for a miserable existence. Life is a game with no rules. Life just happens to us regardless of our best intentions. Our only path to happiness lies in being open to receiving whatever life throws at us – with Gratitude. Have NO Expectations of life.

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