Last week I sent out the most-read message in the history of my newsletter. The title — Are You A Self-Violator? — called forth over 80,000 people from around the world to read it and pass it on. This tells us something we must take a very good look at. Too many of us are participating in the behavior of self-violation. It’s not a behavior that just some of us do. It’s a behavior that the majority of people do. It’s like a bad habit that we don’t even know we are doing, hidden out of shame and embarrassment, a habit we keep thinking and wishing will go away but yet continues to show up year after year. Self-violation perpetuates itself through our resignation and our inability to stop the negative internal dialogue that rants, criticizes, blames and assaults the very self we are designed to love.
If you’re serious about breaking through, I ask that you read this newsletter at least at least twice and take this message seriously because this behavior must stop, not just for one of us but for all of us. Until it stops inside of our own selves, those around us — our children, our nieces, our nephews, our siblings, our partners, our friends, our families, our co-workers — will only ever get to feel and know a small part of our ever-loving hearts. Instead, they get to know the unconscious abuse that comes out in our communications. They get to know our lack of self-love, self-care, and self-respect. They get to know our bad choices or the habits and behaviors that we’ve been stuck in for years. They get to witness our lost dreams, our heartache and our unused potential that will never be fulfilled because we can’t puncture the layer of self-abuse that keeps us limited and stuck in our stories.
So now I continue the conversation I promised you about how we stop this self-violation. Take a deep breath and a slow exhale and give yourself permission to take this in. Listen beyond the words in order to really grok, understand and take to heart what I’m saying. Listen like you don’t know, like you don’t understand, and like the words that I’m using have a deeper meaning.
To stop self-violation, you need true, 100 percent, open-hearted compassion. For most people, compassion is just a word with a definition instead of a feeling with a deep inherent meaning. The kind of compassion that I’m talking about is a spiritual feeling, a vibration, a connection to all that there is. Compassion is a feeling that can only exist when you are present to the whole of your life, to the joy and the difficulties, the wins and the losses, the tough, hard truths. You must be present to all that you’ve gone through, both the good times and the bad, the love and the fear, the joy and the misery. You must be present to those times when you were treated like a queen or a king, when you were honored or someone looked at you with loving eyes. And you must remember the times when you were treated like crap, the times when you were teased, left out, rejected and hurt.
It is only when you are present to all that you been through that a deep compassion develops inside of you — a well of kindness, gentleness, warmth and understanding — that allows you the freedom to stop picking on yourself, to stop abusing yourself, to stop limiting yourself and instead to become a compassionate warrior of love for the little girl, the little boy, the self that has been through so so much on its journey to become an emotionally whole, happy and loving human being. This is the self that only came here to love and be loved and found out that life is more than that, the self that discovered that challenges are something we all go through, that imperfections are something we all have, and that heartache and loss are just part of life’s journey. When your heart is fully present to the 7,000 times you were disappointed, hurt, betrayed, abandoned, scared, lost, confused, stuck, helpless, and powerless, your internal abuser — your self-violator — will cease to have to war against itself and your compassionate self can pick up the child that you are with a warm, loving embrace and treat them as they deserve to be treated — with kindness, gentleness, self-respect and love. This is your God-given right!!!
Transformational Action Step
1. Start a Compassion List. Write down 10 reasons why you deserve to be compassionate with yourself.
2. Identify 5 experiences, incidents or ____ that you still beat yourself up about or have a hard time letting go of.
3. Write them down and then, for each one, write the one-sentence reason why you think you don’t deserve to let them go.
4. Next to each one, write down why you deserve to forgive yourself and be kind to yourself.
5. Close your eyes and infuse these experiences with compassion.
With love and blessings