Tag Archives: self improvement

14 laws of charming Personality

Know how you can create and leave your influence and impression in just a minute. You have 14 keys to win and influence people.

No Matter personalities are many but Qualities are always Limited.

We have to use them in Unlimited way.

watch it…..click below

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Know how you can create and leave your influence and impression in just a minute. You have 14 keys to win and influence people.

 

 

Are You Trying To Criticize For Success?

 Do you have the ability to look at a situation and instead see what’s wrong with it? Perhaps you have the ability to look at something and see how it could be improved? Same ability, really.

If you have the ability to perceive what’s wrong or to identify what would make something better, then you may possess the ability some would call "discernment."

Merriam-Webster tells us that discernment is the ability or "power to see what is not evident to the average mind."

Do you find yourself in rather frequent bouts of criticism? Do you criticize how others think? How they drive? What they do for a living?

If so, I’ll bet you also have a pretty accomplished "inner critic." Do you also find yourself criticizing your own self? Ever call yourself names, either out loud or under your breath? I know I do. My favorite is to call myself "idiot" when I do something that I consider to be less than thoughtful, useful, or intelligent.

Of course, my ability to criticize myself spills over into my ability to criticize others. There was a time in my life when I actively criticized others. It didn’t really matter the context, I would "happily" criticize someone else for their political views, relationship gaffes, how they dress, what they do for a living and just about anything you can think of.

What makes this propensity toward criticism even more challenging is that often the criticisms are well spotted. The object of the criticism may be accurate – you may be "right" – they are making a mistake, doing something that doesn’t work, or creating even more grief for themselves.

However, just because our criticisms may be accurate doesn’t mean they are useful.

Very few of us seem to appreciate being criticized or being called "idiots." Have you noticed? Rarely does criticizing another person or calling anyone names seem to produce much that is useful or appreciated. The line of volunteers seeking additional "constructive criticism" is notably short.

Years ago, I thought I had found a way of making criticism more palatable by adding a dose of humor, usually in the form of sarcasm. However, it took some time before I discovered that the quality of my critical humor was often counterproductive, regardless of how well intentioned it might have been.

A big part of my own awakening took place 30 years ago during a relationship seminar I was conducting. I was working with someone who professed a desire to improve his relationship skills and couldn’t figure out why people were initially attracted to him, and then quickly turned away. He was the archetype of tall, dark and handsome with a flashy personality and quick mind.

After working with him for 15-20 minutes, I turned to him and said, "You know, Fred – you remind me of a Corvette. It’s pretty, flashy, powerful, sleek and all kinds of other cool things. The only problem? It’s made of plastic – if you bump into the wrong way, it just shatters."

Fred laughed. Everyone laughed. He sat down and started to cry.

He came up to me later and asked: "How did you know that I collect Corvettes?" He also told me that the metaphor was powerful for him and helpful. I felt particularly impressed with myself.

Shortly afterward, my mentor who happened to be observing this particular seminar, came up to me and offered a somewhat different perspective. He asked how I viewed the interaction and I told him what Fred had shared with me. My mentor countered with this observation. "While this one may seem to have worked, you should consider that your approach leaves them laughing on the outside but bleeding on the inside."

CONTINUE READING AT HUFFINGTON POST!

 

What Business Is It Of Mine What You Do With Your Life?

 One of the fascinating aspects of writing these weekly articles is the range of reactions I receive each week, both in the comments posted and the email I receive.

Some think I’m getting rich offering "drivel" while others decry anything having to do with a person taking a positive approach to changing their life circumstances. Getting rich writing articles for free is a great idea. There must be a secret I’m still missing on this one. Maybe my critics will be gracious enough to point out what else I need to do? 

Anyway, I digress. A comment that has showed up a couple of times in my email following recent articles goes something like this: "What business do you have telling other people how they should live their lives?"

Great question. I mean, really, a great question.

It’s none of my business what you do your life. Or anyone else for that matter. Occasionally the choices that one of us makes winds up impacting others, but for the most part, no one notices. Well, almost no one.

The one person who is sure to notice the impact of your choices should be obvious – you. Of course, not everyone is sufficiently aware to notice that consequences tend to follow actions, which tend to follow choices.

If it’s none of my business, then why write these articles?

The answer is rather simple, really. Over the years, many people have benefited from the kind of information that I have been sharing. For one set of critics out there, please allow me to be clear here: there’s nothing new about any of this information – it’s been around forever and can be found in thousands of books, myriad seminars and simple country wisdom.

The point of sharing this information is quite personal for me. Until I heard it for the first time, it was new to me. Not new to the world, just new to me. In fact, the first time I heard some of this advice about knowing the difference between what you want and why you want it, about having the ability to respond (response-ability), and the power of choice, I thought it was all a load of bovine excrement.

I later learned that what made it so easy to reject this timeless wisdom came down to the simple fact that if I accepted it, then not only would I have to make new choices but I would also have to accept responsibility for remaining stuck in my then unhappy circumstances.

As my awareness expanded, I found that, indeed, I could make a significant difference in my own life simply through a combination of awareness, maintaining a positive focus (very difficult given my ability to find fault in anything), and taking micro steps forward. Over the ensuing decade, I also discovered that I had a knack for helping others learn and apply these same life lessons.

I would end up leading seminars, first from my own living room, and later in seminar rooms around the world. The focus has always been the same: expand your awareness, notice the difference between what you think you want and why you want it, and start taking steps (making choices) toward the life experience you truly seek.

As more and more people began to benefit from the way I had of sharing this information, many began asking me to write about it, both as a set of reminders for themselves, as well as adding to the collection of writings on the subject for those would themselves find the information "new."

Well, let’s just say that I resisted these requests for a little bit. 32 years to be precise. Finally, when Arianna asked me yet again to offer these insights in the form of a blog for HuffPost, I finally started writing in the summer of 2008.

 

It really is none of my business what you do with your life. I simply share this information with you because you might be able to use it in a way that could make a meaningful difference to you. Just as I am grateful for those who have kept this kind of information alive and available, I am also grateful for the opportunity to pass it along to those who might find value in it.

Continue Reading At The Huffington Post

How You Frame The Problem IS The Problem

 Is there something in your life that you would like to see improve in some way? That could be anywhere from fixing something that is negative over to simply going from good to even better; from digging out of debt, getting a job, finding a more loving and caring relationship, becoming a more loving and caring person yourself, getting rid of the job you do have in favor of something better, to simply learning how to enjoy what you already have.

Clearly, there is any number of conditions in which you may find yourself ranging from fantastic to horrific. The question simply comes down to how satisfied you are with your current experience of life and what can you do about it.

Notice the question isn’t about how much you have of anything in particular, but one of your level of satisfaction with what you have. And what can you do about it?

From time to time, people ask me what I do for a living. Depending on the circumstance and context of the question, I can answer in a variety of ways. Sometimes the answer is that I am an author, an educational psychologist, a management consultant, or a coach.

My favorite answer: I help people get what they think they want as fast as possible so I can ask, "Was that it?"

I’ll bet you’ve been there; in fact, some of you may be there right this very minute. Did you ever want something, really long for it, work your butt off to get it and then wind up wondering why you ever wanted it in the first place? Again, most of us know what this is like first hand.

What makes this so interesting in my work is that people seem to want and need a combination of both. Surely physical circumstances make a difference and yet people can have "everything" and still find themselves wanting at several levels.

You Can Never Get Enough of What You Don’t Truly Want

Eric Hoffer, the longshoreman philosopher is often quoted as having said: "You can never get enough of what you don’t need to make you happy. Sometimes, he is quoted as saying, "You can never get enough of what you don’t really want." Same thing, really.

If I am after the experience of being secure, free and at peace, is there any amount of money (or house, or car, or perfect relationship) that will produce the experiences I seek?

The obvious implication here is "NO!" People have been happy with next to nothing, miserable with all there is, and everywhere in between.

So, what is it that you want out of life and what’s in the way? If your answer is on the material side of things (money, house, car, etc) and what’s in the way is someone else (Bush, bankers, greedy capitalists), then we have a real dilemma. Especially if you have lost your job, house, car and most everything on the material levels of life.

Surely, there are many of us in trouble, having lost everything due to circumstances ranging from hurricanes and oil spills to manipulated financial systems. I know a bit of what it means to have lost everything having come through a period earlier in my life when I wound up living in my second hand car after my father died and our family went through our third bankruptcy in 10 years.

However, I was quite fortunate that in the midst of my turmoil while literally living on a dollar a day, I got some great coaching from some equally great people who encouraged me to take responsibility for my circumstances, figure out what I wanted to do about them, get off my poor-me mindset and get busy.

Of the many profound lessons I learned at the time, one stands out right now: how you frame the issue is the issue. This can also be stated as, how you frame the problem is the problem.

If you’re out of work right now, and your mindset is that some dirty, greedy SOB is to blame, you may be right. The only problem with this framing is that as long as you stay focused on those dirty SOB’s , you will continue to be at the mercy of SOB’s who may not care all that much about your circumstances.

If your life circumstances and how you experience them are going to change for the better, how will they get better? Who is going to be at the helm, guiding the change? There’s no question that improved external factors can help; however, what are you going to do regardless of what happens out there?

Sooner or later, it’s going to come down to you and what you choose to do.

If you read these HuffPost pages enough, you may slide into that group that has become so very good at blaming everyone else. Surely, we have no shortage of culprits to blame, ranging from oil companies to bankers to misguided politicians.

However, we have always had culprits to blame. The real question comes down to what are you going to do about it? And, in particular, what are you going to do about it as it pertains to your circumstances.

If you frame the problem as something that somebody else created, then as surely as you are a victim of what somebody else did to screw things up, you will remain a victim to the next set of screw-up’s.

What would happen if you reframed the problem as something that not only impacts you, but as something about which you can exercise some choice? I hope you have noticed that even as the job situation continues to be "bleak," some folks have managed to find their way through all of this, finding jobs, opportunities, and ways to make things better, even if only marginally.

Continue Reading At Huffington Post! 

 

Are You Fighting Against Your Own Upliftment?

 As you will know if you have been following these columns, I am of the mind that just about anyone can improve both their life circumstances as well as the quality of how they experience their life. I have taken numerous approaches, attempting to share ideas that I have found useful in my own life and that others seem to have found beneficial as well.

A common theme running through these articles includes the notion that how you frame the problem is the problem coupled with it’s not what happens to you but what you choose to do about it.

The dialogue has been rich, comical, supportive, derogatory and sometimes just downright spiteful. I appreciate the exchanges, even the most vitriolic, because no matter the point of view, at least the commenter is engaged.

Many years ago, I was leading a self awareness seminar (Insight) and found myself pretty frustrated with one of the participants who seemed to be pretty much universally contradictory. As I kept trying to convince him that he needed to try a different approach, my mentor shared with me an interesting observation. He said, "Russell you seem to have misunderstood your role. You act as though you are here to harvest something when perhaps what you are really doing is planting seeds. Plant the seeds and let the harvest take care of itself."

The particular individual with whom I was so frustrated, continued to be "resistant" throughout the seminar. However, a good 10 years later, I received a letter from this person, thanking me for the seminar and my persistence. He let me know that while he had not been ready to move on the principles back then, they had stuck with him and he had used much of what had been taught to make a significant difference in his life.

In something of a parallel universe, this past Friday, I received a series of three emails from one of my readers, one who has been commenting in the negative for quite some time. What "Qwerpa" has to share is quite profound and I thought I would pass it along to you.

What follows is an abbreviated version of what Qwerpa wrote:

Hi Russell,

This is qwerpa, one of your "fans" that you had noted in one of your posts – one of the ones appending cutting remarks to all your blog entries.

I haven’t for the last few entries, because I lost my job and have been busy with other things. But rest assured I would have probably been seething in anger over your new posts and doing my best to slam you (kudos, you have been remarkably consistent!).

But I would like to report that I have overcome my difficulties, or at least cleared the major obstacles and am now on a different trajectory.

Personally, from my experience, it was extremely important to me to discover the answers for myself. I intuitively knew the answers, the "what" and the "how" as it were, but not the why. What I mean by that is I understood what you were saying even before I read your posts – you are correct by the way – but I was still resistant. I didn’t know why I was resistant though, and I didn’t appreciate having the method "to get better" shoved under my nose.

It turns out that I didn’t want to get better. What was actually bugging me about your posts is you start with an unspoken supposition that people all want to get "better," and you are merely showing them how. It all seems so light and easy, when that is the opposite of what I was feeling.

So there are three problems I have with your methodology, I suppose:

  1. You assume you know where people should go or want to go

  2. You assume they are ready to go there

  3. You assume they want advice on how to get there instead of going through the learning process themselves

 



Continue reading at the Huffington Post

 

Can You Influence Others Through Self Empowerment?

Last week, we posited that the only true way to become empowered is to become self-empowered. If ever there were a time where we need large numbers of self-empowered people, this may be it.

As is the case with many important elements of improvement, empowerment is one of those terms that has been hijacked by any number of people and in the process has become watered down, misused, abused and otherwise become meaningless.

In much the same was as "positive thinking" has become synonymous with fluffy psychobabble, so too has empowerment. However, we needn’t allow misuse to allow a powerful and important bit of reality to fall into disuse or to be tarred with the cynicism of the critic without a cause.

I know someone who has been largely out of work for several years, going way back before the current economic train wreck went off the rails. This person has a positive attitude about improving her condition, but doesn’t do much in the way of positive action.

There’s a huge and powerful difference between positive thinking and taking positive action. My mentor and teacher pointed out the distinction with the following notion: some people will sit in their room, creating positive images and affirmations about wanting a new car. However, they never leave their room. If you sit in your room and create all those positive images about the new car, about the only way it can show up is to come crashing through the walls.

If you want the positive improvement, or in this case the new car, you may have to do a whole heck of a lot more than sit around and think positive thoughts about it showing up. As my mentor would say, you may have to get up off your duff and do something about it. You know, like get actively involved.

The self-empowerment game is one of those "get actively involved games." However, while there are any number of things I might be able to do to improve my lot in life, many will require cooperation or support from others.

So, how do you generate the kind of cooperation or support that may be necessary to bring about meaningful change in your own set of circumstances?

We have previously pointed out the fallacy of trying to complain your way to improvement. Paradoxically, one of the biggest problems with complaints, and by extension, those who offer the complaints, is that they may actually be right! There are people and circumstances out there that can and do make things difficult for many of us.

Last week, we began pointing out a way to begin making some headway in terms of improving circumstances. The advice I offered was to think about improving your life circumstances starting with a set of three simple questions:

  1. What personal issues, circumstances or life experiences would you like to see changed?
  2. What could you do to make some measure of difference that requires no one’s permission other than your own?
  3. What could you do to make some measure of difference that requires someone else’s permission, approval, cooperation or support? Whose?

The suggestion was that you actually write out your answers to these three questions and then spend the next week or so focusing on question #2 before even thinking about tackling #3.

CONTINUE READING AT THE HUFFINGTON POST! 

 

 

Laughter Really is the Best Medicine

My video collection is inexplicable, unless you understand its purpose.  The only movies I actually purchase to keep are those which are safe and make me laugh.  I know no one dies, there is no violence, no animals are killed or harmed in the viewing of this movie and it makes me laugh.

Now I have a fairly warped sense of humor, but that’s OK.  These movies are not for other people.  They are for me.  When I’m going through a stressful period, when I’ve been exposed to too much pain at work, when I’ve heard too many horrifying details of the trauma some of my clients have experienced, when I’m too tired to think, or when I’m feeling really down I put in one of these movies.  I know the lines by heart.  I know nothing awful is going to flash on the screen.  I know they are not going to scare me or make me sad.  I count on them to comfort me and make me laugh.  They are one of the forms of self soothing I use.  I can be very serious and focus on the negative too much and this provides balance.  I use DVDs of stand up comedy the same way.  But I forget to mention this.   In some ways it seems too simple, and it is.  But it works.   

 

I’ve found this same technique works for clients.  One woman was going through a very painful divorce which left her racked with grief.  She sobbed and sobbed, which is good.  She needed to get it out and I would never want to thwart the expression of feelings or use any method to deny them.  Feelings are to be felt.  But sometimes you’ve felt all you can and need a break from the pain.  This client had a favorite old comedy series that she had watched as a child.  Fortunately, these days, you can buy these old favorites in complete sets.  She did.  And she watched one show after another as a way of comforting herself.  It worked.  It soothed the heartache of her loss and enabled her to face the world again. 

If you don’t have such a collection you might want to think about starting one.  It’s important to remember that you are buying these for you.  What makes each of us laugh is very individual and personal. 

For more articles on self care and mental health, please visit my blog at:  www.kellevision.com.

 

 

Competing with Yourself: Winning Isn’t Everything

The urges that drive us to compete with others tend to be straightforward. Years of both evolution and societal influences have shaped us to pit ourselves against our peers. The needs and desires that inspire us to compete with ourselves, however, are entirely personal and thus far more complex. A need to outdo our earlier efforts—to confirm that we have grown as individuals—can motivate us to reach new heights of accomplishment. We are capable of using our past achievements as a foundation from which we venture confidently into the unknown. Yet if this drive to compete with our former selves is the result of low self-worth or a need to prove ourselves to others, even glowing successes can feel disheartening. Examining why we compete with ourselves enables us to positively identify those contests that will enrich our existence.

There are many reasons we strive to outdo ourselves. When we are ambitious in our quest for growth, we are driven to set and meet our own expectations. We do not look to external experiences of winning and losing to define our sense of self-worth. Rather, we are our own judges and coaches, monitoring our progress and gauging how successful we have become. Though we seek the thrill of accomplishment tirelessly, we do so out of a legitimate need to improve the world or to pave the way for those who will follow in our footsteps. Be careful, though, that your competitiveness is not the result of an unconscious need to show others that you are capable of meeting and then exceeding their standards.

Consider, too, that successful efforts that would be deemed more than good enough when evaluated from an external perspective may not satisfy our inner judge, who can drive us ruthlessly. In order to attain balance, we have to learn the art of patience even as we strive to achieve our highest vision of who we are. When we feel drained, tense, or unhappy as we pursue our goals, it may be that we are pushing ourselves for the wrong reasons. Our enthusiasm for our endeavors will return as soon as we recall that authentic evolution is a matter not of winning but of taking pride in our progress at any pace.

How to Manage Your Worries

 

Worry and anxiety are caused by your emotions. Worry is a normal response to uncertainty and we all experience uncertainty from time to time; however excessive worrying will drain your emotional energy, interfere with your day-to-day functioning and cause very high anxiety levels. The good news is that excessive or chronic worrying is just a mental habit and you can train yourself to break the cycle of worry and anxiety.
 You cannot eliminate worry because you cannot eliminate uncertainty in your life. In fact the more you try to not worry about something the more your mind is likely to focus on whatever is troubling you.  However, you can increase your emotional intelligence which is the ability to identify, assess, and manage your emotions and emotional responses.
 
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                                  "That the birds of worry and care fly over your head, this you cannot change,

                                   but that they build nests in your hair, this you can prevent." — Chinese Proverb

 
 
Identify the Signs of Worry
 The first thing you must do to control disproportionate worrying is to recognize the signs of it. We all handle stress and anxiety differently therefore you need to identify the emotional, mental, and physical signs that you exhibit such as:
  •  Do you have a nervous habit, such as nail biting, that is exaggerated during times of anxiety?
  • Are you more restless?
  • Are you experiencing increased frequency of headaches, tension, or body aches?
  • Do you have difficulty sleeping or falling asleep?
  • Is there a change in your appetite?
  • Are you spending an unreasonable amount of time over-analyzing something?
  • Do you have difficulty focusing?
  • Are you more on edge or have less patience?
  • Do you have fluttering (butterflies) or pain (ulcers) in your stomach?
  • Are you using alcohol, drugs, or food as a distraction or a crutch?
 These are just some of the signs that you might experience as a result of excessive worrying but it is important that you be able to quickly acknowledge the signs of worry that you show evidence of.
 
 
Assess Your Worry
 
Once you have recognized that you are worrying to the point of manifesting physical symptoms or mental stress the next course of action is to assess your worrying.
 
There are endless causes for worry; a presentation you have to make, a medical test that you need, meeting new people, and making big decisions are all examples of the type of things that can cause us to worry excessively. But assessing your worry is something you need to do the work on by yourself or with someone who can offer you support such as a loved one, a therapist, or a counselor. Below are a few questions you can ask yourself to start the assessment process.
 
  • Are you a People Pleaser?
Many of us, especially women, worry about pleasing other people. Like young children, we have a great desire to make others happy. People pleasers need love, acceptance, praise, and appreciation from others in order to feel good about them selves. Emotional intelligence tells us that we should love, accept, and appreciate ourselves but self doubt and insecurity often over power logic. If you can recognize and accept that you are a people pleaser, it is easier to refocus your energy away from worrying.
 
  • Is the object of your worry something that you can Control?
Worrying about things that you have no control over will take a heavy toll on your emotional well being and leave you feeling like a nervous wreck. You can ultimately only control your own actions and reactions. You cannot control the future or other people’s actions and reactions in that future.
 
  • Is your worry based on Reality?
 Some people tend to over generalize a negative experience expecting that if it happened once it will keep on happening. An example would be that if you were in an accident before you’re convinced it will happen again, or, if you fail a test that you’ll never be good at that subject.
 
Other unrealistic worries are caused by expecting worse-case-scenarios to happen such as “they are calling for a lot of rain – my basement might flood”, or, “my doctor wants to discuss my test results – I probably have cancer”.
 
And yet other worries might be based on subconscious beliefs such as “my mother died at age 39 – I’ll die young too”, or, “I’m not smart – I’ll never succeed”, or, “my father cheated on my mother – all men, including my husband, cheat”.
 
 
Manage Your Worry
 
Attempts to ignore or deny your feelings of fear, anxiety, and worry won’t make them cease to exist but there are several strategies you can use that will help you manage your worries so that they do not take prominence in your day-to-day functioning. No single tactic will have a great effect on your mental state however combining several of the approaches below will reduce your anxiety levels.
 
  • Reach out for Support
 Trying to manage your worries by yourself can sometimes add to feelings of being powerless or alone but discussing your worries with a loved one or a friend can make them seem less threatening. Short term counseling or a local or online support group may also be of benefit if you don’t have a good support system at home.
 
  • Practice Relaxation and Breathing Exercises
 It is impossible to feel stressed and feel relaxed at the same time so practice simple deep breathing, relaxation exercises, or mediation. There are many relaxation techniques that when practiced regularly can reduce stress and worry so experiment and find something that works for you.
 
  • Set aside Time to Worry
 Since we can’t reliably predict the future there will always be uncertainty in our lives. This uncertainty is what breeds worry therefore we will always have worry but it does not need to dominate our every waking hour. Instead of trying to eliminate your worry try to develop the habit of postponing worrying. Set a period of time that you will devote to your worries that doesn’t interfere with your responsibilities but also is not too late in the day that your worrisome thoughts are going to make you anxious at bedtime. Postponing worrying can be very effective because it helps you break the habit of focusing on worries in the present moment.
 
  • Examine and Challenge your Worry
By examining and challenging the emotion that is causing you to worry you will develop a more balanced perspective of the problem. Ask yourself what evidence there is that this worry is true. What are the odds of it really happening? Does worrying about it help me in any way? How is worrying about it hurting me? Is there a more positive or realistic way to think? What would I tell a loved one or friend who had this worry?
 
  • Knowledge is Power
Being informed about the thing that is worrying you will help to put your mind at ease. In this age of readily available information there is no reason to muddle through your problems without understanding them.
 
  • Raise your Emotional Intelligence
There are many books, articles and websites devoted to self improvement and raising your emotional awareness and intelligence. By learning to understand and manage your emotions you will increase your ability to cope during challenging or difficult times, control strong impulses, rebound quickly from disappointment or loss, and recognize when it is time to ask for and get support.
 

                                                              Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow,
                                                              It only saps today of its joy  –  Leo Buscaglia"

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Read more of Nancy Latimer’s Blog entries at http://reallifemessages.com
 

 

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