Tag Archives: vagina

Babies and Spoons: How I Was Coerced into the Talk by my Kids

«I love you, mom!»I had the talk with my little ones today. The conversation caught me off guard as we sat together on the couch playing Spoons, sharing a bowl of Pirate’s Booty. As the yellow puffs started running low, my youngest daughter, glancing sideways at my son, said, “Mommy, we should get more Pirate’s Booty than him because we’re girls. And girls need to eat more than boys so our bellies can grow big and turn into babies.”

I was momentarily stunned. Realizing this theory was something she had spent time hypothesizing, I stifled a giggle, “Oh, honey, women don’t have babies from eating too much food.”

My oldest girl piped in quickly and confidently, “No, we get babies by taking pills from the doctor.”

“Who told you that?” I spun around to look at her.

“Well, no one. When you were pregnant you had a big bottle of orange pills in your bathroom and you took one every day.”

“No, those were prenatal vitamins. I took them when I was pregnant to give my body extra energy while I was growing the baby.”

“Oh,” she said, looking perplexed. ”Wait. Where DO babies come from, Mommy?”

“Yah,” echoed my youngest. “Where?”

It took me a minute to gather my thoughts (and my courage). My children are 5, 7, and 9. I’m a true believer in answering their questions honestly. Life is wrought with unknowns — there’s no need to be evasive when they ask me what a tampon is or wonder when they’ll grow pubic hair. They’re asking about their own bodies after all, so I always tell them the truth. They have every right to be absolutely comfortable in their skin suits. Plus, dispelling mystery is part of my job as a parent.

I briefly considered shooing away my 5 year old boy. But if I excluded him, I’d be implying that conception is secretive. He might think that this type of questioning is dangerous.

I don’t want to close doors on my kids. I want them coming to me FIRST. With ANYTHING. If they are not comfortable coming to me, they will inevitably turn to the internet or to friends. And I know for sure that I can parent my children better than Bing! or some tween on the playground. So I stepped up and addressed all three of them together with honesty and *restraint* — because telling the truth doesn’t mean telling ALL.

We started by talking about Nat Geo and Animal Planet, two of our favorite family channels. The kids adore animal shows and are relatively familiar with mating rituals. I explained that the animals mate to create offspring. I told them that all mammals conceive the same way, and humans are also mammals. And ultimately, our primary human function, like all mammals, is to reproduce. All of our body parts have a certain purpose, like parts in a machine.  In order to make a baby, a man and a woman need to make those parts work together.

The girls followed attentively, locking on my eyes and nodding their heads as I spoke. The little guy began spinning the spoons lying on the game table, distracted.

I quizzed, “When you think of body parts on a man and a woman, which ones are different?”

“Boys have penises. Girls have van-ginas,” said my oldest proudly. The others agreed.

“Right. And inside the bodies, men have sperm and women have eggs. Once a month, a woman’s egg drops down and a man’s sperm has a chance to fertilize it.”

“But how does the sperm get to the egg?”

“It swims. It has a tiny tail and races with a million other sperm to see who can reach the egg first. The one who gets there first gets to become the baby.” Admittedly, I hoped that the kids would be satisfied with this and we could return to playing Spoons.

“Yah, but how does the sperm GET to the egg?” No such luck.

“Well, you said yourself that men have penises and girls have vaginas, right?”

Silence. Introspection. Reaction:

“WHAT?! Daddy put his penis inside your vagina?????”

I tried but failed to contain myself. We three girls started laughing. My boy, meanwhile, really had no idea why we were hooting. He probably wasn’t ready to hear it anyway, so it was all for the best. Even though he didn’t understand the content of the message, he could still benefit from the openness of our dialogue. He took what he wanted and focused the rest of his attention on twirling spoons.

The girls, however, pummeled me with questions — Did it hurt? Did hair get up there? Do I have to do that? Because I am NOT doing that. What about twins? Does that take two penises? 

I decided to steer clear of the words “sex” and “love.”  The word “sex” is polluted by pop music and I didn’t want to confuse them by introducing the word in this context. And “love,” while an important part of relationships, has nothing to do with reproduction.  They weren’t asking about relationships, they were asking about anatomy.  So that’s where I focused our conversation.  I explained to them that the woman has to have her period before her body is ready to make babies, and it’s best that she’s married and settled first, because every baby needs two loving parents and a stable, happy home.   The rest of the questions I answered clinically.

My second daughter stated emphatically, “I’m only doing that twice. And I’ll have two babies. And THAT’S IT!”

“You can do whatever works best for you, babe,” I reassured.

“Does it hurt to get your period?”

“No, sometimes you’ll get crampy in your belly, but if you eat right and take care of your body you should feel just fine.”

“How about when the baby comes out? Does that hurt?”

“Yep,” I confirmed. ”It really hurts.”

“What does it feel like?” she probed.

“Stretching. And fire. Kind of like you’re pooping a hot cannonball.”

“I’ve had big poops like that before.”

“Well, maybe not this big. Do you want to hear the stories about when you were born?”

“YES!!!!!!!” all three shouted.

As the subject graduated from conception to birth, all three kids sat up and leaned forward, giggling and scrunching up their little faces as I colorfully wove the stories of their beginnings. It was a really lovely experience and I’m so glad it unfolded in just this way, with all of us together.

A minute later my husband strolled into the room and I said, “We just learned about the birds and the bees!” Without a word he spun on his heel and strolled back out. I guess he wasn’t ready to learn yet.

Orgasm Your Way to Enlightenment?

By Bristol Baughan

In today’s episode of 30 DAYS OF INTENT, Natalie and Iman learn about Orgasmic Meditation, an intimate sensual practice from author and speaker Nicole Daedone. I thought Iman was going to lose his mind when the demonstrator’s pants came off!

I’ll never forget my first experience hearing about Orgasmic Meditation. It felt like someone was punching my comfort zone in the face. Below is an excerpt of a scene from a one-woman show I wrote featuring my first time hearing of Orgasmic Meditation:

NICOLE’S VOICE: So it’s really simple you see. Orgasmic Meditation is a 15 minute timed practice where your partner strokes the upper left hand quadrant of your clitoris while you focus solely on sensation. Your job, as the man is to create a space for your partner to fully surrender, and you women, your job is to melt into the floor, just melt and let everything go. There is no goal. Nowhere to get to. Focus on the sensation of his finger on your clitoris and silence your mind. Sink deeply into that floor.

BRISTOL: Um, excuse me? I’m just here working so I have no right to say anything. I didn’t pay like the rest of you pathetic people looking for a way to jump start your sex lives. I just got off a 7am flight from LA and we’re just here to shoot a video for TIME. But what you are saying is making me sick. I can literally feel my stomach twisting. So your saying, we just lay there and surrender and don’t give anything back to him? What about him? This sounds completely selfish. Surrendering, allowing, receiving, all getting and no giving. Don’t I have a responsibility or something to DO something? I know it is call Orgasmic Meditation but can it really be a meditation, silence the mind and let sensation take over? Whoa. I’m not feeling so well. You guys don’t look so comfortable either. This woman is crossing her legs a little tighter and this guy is on the edge of his seat, of course. Perv.

In walks a pretty brunette wearing black stretchy yoga pants and with her is a nice Mormon-looking guy. They look comfortable. She lies down on a pink yoga mat with her head on a pillow; he sits beside her, one leg over her torso. What are they…Oh they are going to do a demo. Oh no! No they wouldn’t… ok she is taking her pants off. I should really go. We are in a conference room at the Ramada for Christ’s sake. It smells like cheap coffee and Windex. The last group in here was probably the Rotary Club or AA. I mean, does management know what is going in here? Don’t you need a permit or something? I’m not really breathing so well. My chest is tight. I mean, this is private right? The Mormon-looking guy reaches for his black iPhone and sets the timer for 15 minutes.

Ok, now she is opening her pale, white legs, like the widest they can go open and he is just staring between them, right between her legs and the lights are on. Mercilessly on and bright and fluorescent and he is just staring at her. He then…oh no he isn’t, oh my God. He is describing it. You know, her parts. Out loud. Round, pinkish, brown oval. Did he just say that? Can that be right? Pink, brown, oval? Whoa! Ok now he is putting his index finger in something…oh lube, organic lube! Of course it’s organic! We should all go and let these two consenting adults do whatever it is they are going to do now…or…not.

(Watch and listen)

NICOLE: Now light as a feather, you stroke the upper right hand quadrant of her clitoris, very, very, very lightly. Yes, that’s it. Now reach your clitoris toward his finger. Reach. Reach. Good.

BRISTOL: The woman’s breath begins to get deeper, slower. One hand is gently resting on his shin, and the other palm open on the yoga mat beneath her. The only one breathing in this room is the woman on the floor and oh is she breathing! All 12 of us in a conference room at the Ramada, all different sizes, shapes, colors, and ages, couples and singles, all watching and feeling the heat build. My brain has left the building. My stomach is burning and something is definitely happening… down there.

(Watch)

Wait a minute. What is wrong with me? Why does it feel like someone is punching me in the stomach? What is it inside of me that is being assaulted? He is just touching her, on the outside of her body. I’m pretty sure these people aren’t even dating and he is touching her so softly, so lovingly, so willingly. Like there is something in it for him. I’m so confused. She is moaning ever so slightly and I feel, well I feel…jealous. I want that. I want to be seen. I want to be touched. I want to surrender and allow and receive. I want to quiet my mind and just experience sensation in my body. I’m not even totally sure I have ever had an orgasm. I am a 30-year-old woman with a decent amount of experience, and I’m not even sure I’ve ever had one. No, I’m lying. I’m pretty sure I’ve never had one. I have never felt a “climax” like something was exploding or like I was going off a cliff of some kind. I just seem to keep climbing. I’ve always thought maybe I was broken. This seems perfect for me.

No! Wait, I can’t do that. I don’t have a partner, I have to find someone I trust, like for realz trust, who will see my you-know-what in the light, the direct light. I could never do this with a stranger, oh God, how dirty I would be. How insane that would be. A stranger. Wow. I always thought meditation was boring but this is totally…fucking…crazy…awesome! I’m in. Where do I sign up?

~ Excerpt from “Judge-A-Holic a One-Woman Show” written and performed by Bristol Baughan

Does orgasm actually lead to enlightenment? Who the hell really knows? What I do know is that it has helped me take another small step toward more personal freedom. Either way, this topic seems to be a really clear indicator of where fear, insecurity, and limiting beliefs exist in consciousness. I hope it serves you as it did me. Needless to say, it has been 2 years since Orgasmic Meditation entered my life and I am definitely better off for it. MUCH better off.

Subscribe to The Chopra Well and don’t miss tomorrow’s episode with Natalie and Iman’s first Orgasmic Meditation demonstration!

Eggs, Bunnies, and the World’s Biggest Phallus

As Spring thaws the Winter freeze and the days lengthen and warm, sprouts peak eagerly through earthen shell. Life quickens with a renewed instinct to create, reproduce, and grow. This is planting season, the blossom months, the verdant playground. Spring is the lover’s specialty.

What better way to celebrate new beginnings than with a fertility festival?

Episode three of The Chopra Well’s Holy Facts, hosted by Gotham Chopra, explores such festivals in different parts of the world. The show is witty and playful as always, and just a bit sexier than usual this time.

The March 15 Hounen Matsuri festival, a Japanese tradition dating back 1,500 years, celebrates fertility, renewal, and prosperity. It is sacred as an affirmation both of human reproduction and of the year’s bountiful harvests. The largest and best known of these festivals takes place in Komaki, a city of roughly 150,000 people. Despite the festival’s holy foundations, Hounen Matsuri has become famous (or infamous) for featuring a 2.5-meter, 600 pound wooden phallus, which participants enthusiastically parade through the streets.

Woody the Giant Phallus isn’t alone in this festival. Smaller statues, candies, and costume pieces also pay tribute to the reproductive member, and, to be honest, it looks like quite the party. A far cry from the tamer springtime barbecue of middle American suburbia…

Prior to the phallus festival, a neighboring city celebrates the companion vagina festival, Hime-no-miya. During this festival, parents dress up their children, who carry small vagina statues to a nearby shrine. Later, adult men haul a massive vagina through the streets, all the while praying for healthy children, a bountiful harvest, and a cold glass of sake at the end of the parade. Before you jump to accuse the country of penis/vagina fixation, keep in mind that Japan has one of the lowest birth rates in the world… Let’s cut them some slack.

And anyways, Japan is far from the only country in the world to practice fertility rites and celebrations. Such practices exist throughout the globe and throughout time. In fact, Easter, a beloved springtime ritual of Western cultures, may trace its lineage to the ancient European fertility festival, Ostara.

In the northern hemisphere, Ostara marks the Spring equinox and celebrates the goddess of springtime. It traces ancient Pagan roots and is now the highlight of many a neo-Pagan’s year.  But despite its magical beginnings, the holiday was actually fairly practical. Celebrations featured eggs, babies, and seed planting – all typical markers of fertility, life, and growth. And, as Gotham points out, the secular Easter is basically Ostara with new packaging.

Giant phalluses. Eggs. Bunnies. Have you ever been to a fertility festival? We bet you have. Tell us about it in the comments below!

Subscribe to The Chopra Well and tune in every Wednesday for more Holy Facts – because the world is stranger than you can imagine.

Va-ttooing, Vajazzling and Other Innovative Ways To Decorate Your Lady Parts

Would you ever get a va-ttoo?

For those of you who are not in the know, that is the new term for tattooing your vulva. (For a mildly NSFW but rather hilarious visual example of what this can look like, check out accompanying image embedded within this article on The Gloss)

If you happen to be living in New York, you’re in luck! Completely Bare Spa in New York City specializes in airbrushing va-ttoos on your lady parts. It may be a matter of time before va-ttoo salons start cropping up in your neighborhood. (I personally like the less appropriate but more colorful unofficial term “twattoo.”)

Va-ttooing seems to be the latest in an upward interest in decorating your nether regions with something more than a Brazilian wax. You can vajazzle like Jennifer Love Hewitt–which is applying stick-on Swavorski crystals onto your lady parts. I can’t wait for the next vaginal slang that will be applied to the next trendy vaginal-related cosmetic treatment. (Clitter, anyone?)

Though I probably won’t get butterflies or shiny gem stones on my private parts avnytime soon, for the adventurous ladies who want to bejewel their sexual organs, more power to them! I can only imagine that walking around with vaginal bling under your power suit at board meetings makes for a fun double-life.

What are other new and not-so-new options for cosmetically upgrading your vagina, even if it is just for your own eyes only?

1. Vajazzle! Want to vajazzle like Jennifer Love Hewitt? Want to look like a disco ball when you take your panties off? Turns out that there is already an eHow article to vajazzle in the safety and convenience of your own home. Surprise your future bedmates with vajazzles in the shapes of butterflies, flowers, starbursts, or somebody’s initials!

2. Dying your pubic hair a crazy color. It was inevitable–there is now hair dye products specifically for your nether hairs a la BettyBeauty.com. Whether you are a maturing citizen and you want to restore your graying pubic hairs to its former natural glory or you simply want to shock your boyfriend with some hot pink crotch hair, pubic hair dying is available at many salons and can also be done at home (with much caution).

3. Heart-shaped shavings. Remember when getting your pubes shaved into the shape of a heart actually seemed scandalous and shocking? Compared to vajazzling and va-ttooing, getting your bikini into fun shapes–be it a heart, a bull’s eye, or the first initial of your lover–now seems to be old news.

4. Vaginal piercings. So you want to pierce your vagina. Does this mean your outer labia or inner labia? The clitoral hood or–in very extreme cases–your actual clitoris? Turns out that when it comes to piercing your genitals, you have a huge array of options and styles depending on your personal preference and anatomy. This handy guide at The Piercing Bible gives you the proper low-down, no pun intended.

5. Plastic surgery for the vag. Are you just extremely sensitive about how your lady parts appear, and getting cosmetic surgery is the only way for you to achieve peace of mind? Maybe you want to undergo labiaplasty to reduce your elongated labia. Vaginal rejuvenation will also tighten and restore your vagina to its pre-pregnancy state, which supposedly will also increase sexual pleasure during intercourse. Believe it or not, it turns out that women’s desire for a “designer vagina” is on the upswing in North America and Britain.

So what’s the deal with women spending more time decorating their nether regions? Is transforming your vag into a disco ball with a pink wig a form of pussy power, or yet another ridiculous cosmetic option that sucks money out of women after eyebrow threading, permanent eyeliner tattoos and expensive beauty products?

My personal take is that context is everything — it completely depends on the woman and her personal reasons. As for me, I think I will continue sticking to the annual bikini wax, please.

PHOTO (cc): Flickr / desenfocadoflickr

 Originally published July 2010

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...