I was married twice. The first time I spent more time thinking about the menu than the ceremony. The second time, twenty-plus years later, I knew better. My wife and I paid meticulous attention to the ceremony because we understood that we were creating a sacred occasion, both for us and our loved ones. It made a huge difference, and as an Interfaith Minister I’ve drawn on my own wedding in advising others. Here’s what I think is most important:
- Make it sacred. A wedding is not just an excuse to have a party or something you do to placate your families. Whatever your spiritual or religious orientation, approach the moment with reverence. Whatever the site—church, mountaintop, beach, wherever—treat it as holy. Consecrate the occasion, and use the planning stage as an opportunity for you and your beloved to think about, and talk about, what words like sacred and holy mean to you.
- Take your vows seriously. Think of them as the highest intents for your marriage. This is where you take your stand before your family and friends. So don’t just have the celebrant recite a stock speech. Creating your own personal vows forces you to think hard about what you’re actually promising one another. What are you prepared to give, sacrifice, offer, especially when things get rough? You’ll be surprised how much this will teach you about yourselves, and you might also be surprised years later life gets complicated and you need a reminder of the promises you made.
- Choose your celebrant carefully. Find someone to officiate who takes the time to really know you and to create a memorable celebration that reflects who you are and where you want to go together. Make sure he or she really resonates with you.
- It’s your day. Yes, you want to honor your family and your heritage. Yes, they have a stake in how things go, and they’re probably paying for it, so you may have to make some compromises. But it’s your marriage. Be prepared to draw the line at your most important values and beliefs. This is a rite of passage of the highest order, and you want it to reflect who you both are and what you hold dear. If that means saying no to certain demands, break the news gently and diplomatically, but be firm in your conviction.
- Get help. Again, it’s your day. You want to immerse yourself in it, soak it all up, and above all enjoy it. Which means you want it to be as stress-free as possible. And that means not getting embroiled in all the details, the unpredictable hassles, and the demands of others. Delegate responsibilities, and get a couple of people you trust to take charge. Have them build an impenetrable wall of love around you.
- Finally, keep reminding yourself how blessed you are to have each other. And record the ceremony—not just to show it to your kids and grandkids, but so you can watch it privately from time to time and keep it precious in your hearts and minds.
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