Relationships are filled with myths and fears. During a breakup we step carefully amidst the rubble of a relationship trying to find the remnant of the original self, no longer attached to a spouse. We become fearful of change and sugarcoat – “maybe things aren’t so bad after all. I can stay the course; everyone settles. Anyway, sometimes he takes me over the top.” However, things can spiral down, “Sometimes he just pushes me right off!”
Someone sent me this succinct email which expresses the pain of a breakup:
Dear Debbie,
My husband dumped me after 20 years of marriage. He says that we are not dancing in the same direction and that I make him feel old. I worked, raised two children, ran the house and believed we would grow old together and travel. Now I am abandoned and feel lonely. Every day is another sad reminder of living alone. Can you help me? I don’t want to take medication or spend a lot of money on therapists who have broken lives too. (Abandoned, Maine)
Here is my response:
Dear Abandoned,
First, get rid of the term abandoned. You have not been abandoned by your mate; however, you have abandoned yourself! There are no guarantees in life and sometimes people grow apart. Because your husband was feeling unhappy with himself and the aging process, he felt (rightly or wrongly) that he needed to forge a new identity and that might involve a woman that makes him feel young. However, that’s his problem; let’s get back to you in the present. It’s time to empower yourself and stop looking back in anger. Work on yourself to be better and get out there to have fun with girl friends, guy friends and new acquaintances.
Don’t become the jailor who locks you up inside and hides you from the rest of the world. Your journey with this person has ended. Keep the initial love and the lessons learned about yourself close to your heart. Continue on your own until you meet…
From couple to uncouple:
* Get into good physical shape appropriate for you and don’t compare yourself to idealized, photo-shopped versions. Stretch daily to improve your flexibility – physically and mentally.
* If you have no physical problems, put on 2-5 pound ankle weights and walk around in them while you do some chores. Now take them off and see how much easier life is. See the parallel?
* Get a makeover to feel new and refreshed. This external cue will remind you to get unstuck from a negative mindset.
* Create a “business card” which identifies your best attribute. For me, “Debbie Mandel – transformer.”
* Nourish yourself with healthy eating. Set the table – even for one – with a bud vase and decorative tableware.
* Expand who you are by doing the things you love to do.
* Travel to move beyond your narrow context.
* Don’t tell everyone your sad story; instead listen to theirs.
* Be patient with your transition period and use it for self-repair.
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