Old heartbreaks. Old arguments. Old relationship hurts. For some people, these can fuel an endless loop of painful replay which crowds out new ideas, new feelings and even new relationships. We know that on one level that the healthiest thing we can do is to disconnect from the old stories and find new ones. However, sometimes we find ourselves still chewing on the same raw taste of how others seem to have hurt us, even though we know better and people keep telling us we need to “release that!”
Our reactions in relationships are mirrors containing some of most potent information available for learning more about our selves and so can become even more happy, more healthy and more whole by using this knowledge.
If you find yourself unable to let go of old heartaches and are still mulling, occasionally or constantly (whereupon your friends will start calling you obsessive), on them, here are some metaphysical perspectives on how to use this to develop a deeper capacity to understand who you are and who you are becoming.
Want to feel better?
We all know someone who won’t put old resentments down or who retains unhappy relationship memories as an excuse, overtly or covertly, for not committing to new ones. It might seem obvious then that the crucial first step is a real willingness to evolve past old hurts. Without an intention or desire to be free, nothing will change. In essence, a person has to be willing to ask “Who would I be if I were no longer upset?” and be okay with the answer. Some people are not comfortable without the crutch of making others responsible for their reactions or the energy that feeling misused provides them. It is no use asking these folks to change, so we probably should all stop in these cases.
If someone is open to feeling clearer, there are good reasons to find ways to release old grievances. Living a life where external events and other people’s actions have so much power over the internal condition is really no fun. It is more interesting and more alive to fully comprehend the truth that no one can dictate how we feel but ourselves and use that as a springboard to move forward. So, a good starting point is to acknowledge our emotions, accept that we feel hurt and then decide we are going to feel better.
Gather resources and tools
In situations where someone has been dam- aged from an experience, often the best initial step is to meet with professionals such as psychologists, doctors or spiritual counselors to see what relief can be found from these resources. In other cases, the continual thinking about the other person or their past actions could indicate that an active energetic or psychic bond, either conscious or unconscious, remains. Here are some ideas for effective clearing methods.
Quiet meditations visualizing cutting or remov- ing the tie between you and the old person can be helpful. A handy one for tough cases might be picturing your personal Sumo Wrestler Guides rolling in and yanking the energetic connection cord, stomping it to pieces and sending it off in the Universal Garbage Truck. Another avenue to explore is working with energy healers such as Shamen and Reiki Masters, who can often untangle stubbornly held energetic knots. Try breathing, movement, mediation – any option that helps shake things up in there.
If it’s resistant, then it’s persistent for an important reason
If you have done all of the above and old hurtful stuff keeps resurfacing, the bottom line is that the mirror of relationships, which is your feelings stimulated by them, is signaling that there is still information about your self to be gained from looking at the event. Your negative feelings about the old situation is a communication from yourself to yourself, that somewhere on your inner hard drive you are telling yourself some- thing that is not true. I’ve noticed the memory loop continues for many people as long as they are processing untrue (for them) beliefs about their selves, about others or about relationships. As soon as the past event is correctly interpreted, the inner self’s need to replay it goes away; the memory starts feeling more neutral because the personal issue causing the hot button reaction has been identified.
A famous quote from Osho says: “Truth is a radical, personal realization. You have to come to it.” The next step is locating your underlying, untrue assumptions that are creating the negative feeling around the hurt. Sometimes it is a belief about the nature of relationships. For instance, people hold the notion that the relationship is supposed to supply things they need. But, the truth is that no relationship can give us anything that we are not giving to ourselves. If we aren’t giving the self enough time, enough trust, enough healing or enough space, then no relationship in this existence can provide it. Often, the underlying notion that people are being prompted to notice revolves around deeply held beliefs that somehow they are not good enough or lovable enough. Therefore, when another person doesn’t seem to love them or value them, the event feels very painful. The feeling and the replay point out what is really true—that others can- not make us feel unworthy, we do it to ourselves—and that loving our- selves unconditionally is necessary not just for great relationships, but also for great life experiences.
Replacement parts
By finding old inner assumptions that aren’t true and replacing them with personal truths, we eventually develop a new operative awareness for perceiving relationship (and other) experiences. The awareness of sadness or disappointment in our heart can softly switch towards the desire to feel great and bring in more fulfilling events. We don’t really release past experiences or emotions; they remain part of our personal tapes- try, but we can find a new, more healthy and happy understanding to support our future relationships. In doing this, we remake old negative events into tools for deeper and more positive self-awareness.
This article is also in Catalyst Magazine this month. To find out more about Superconscious Relationships: The Simple Psychic Truths of Perfectly Satisfying Connections, Margaret Ruth’s new book from O Books Publishing, go to www.superconsciousrelationships.com or email MR@MARGARETRUTH.COM, for more details.
PHOTO (cc): Flickr / bird ghosts
i found what works best is not acting out stories for a living, but living true reality as your story.
Ah, but what's true reality for you, Eugene?