Survival demands that we take decisions. Some of the most daunting decisions are the ones that will deliver us from a challenge that has been life consuming.
Divorces are never easy. Mine too, was painful. A gash, a deep wound that I continue to carry, praying for time to continue it’s healing.
Despite the acrimony that ensued after I filed for the dissolution of a lifeless marriage, my ex-husband and I spent many years in steely silence punctuated with curt one-liners, often administered by our lawyers. Its’ been a long journey, in what sometimes seems like a short time.
With time, we have now managed to overcome our hurt, because of the love our daughter inspires in our hearts. For her sake and for the sake of childhood memories that we both have, growing up in the same neighborhood, we have found a way of communicating that is not harmful or hurtful anymore.
We never really know what we are capable of, until dire circumstances demand a new way of thinking and being. My ex-husband has been unwell and I find myself deeply worried for him and praying for his health. And in this tenderness that I feel for him, despite the memory of the recent years, I find a lot of strength.
We can only be grateful for the ones’ who have walked our path with us, even if only, for a short while. Then again, our journey is unique and individual unto ourselves. We don’t enter this world in the company of others, and we certainly don’t leave with someone in tow. The lessons we learn, the experience that enrich our time here, are unique to us. Those that meet us for a while on this journey, give much to us, even if we don’t want to see it that way. In retrospect, we learn a lot from those that seemed like our worst adversaries. When you see people as teachers, you begin understanding how and why they came into your life, and you start to appreciate the lessons you learnt.
A bad marriage has much to teach. It brings to the surface all the reasons why your relationship didn’t work, or why you didn’t work in that relationship. It holds up the mirror for you. Not everyone is brave enough to look in that mirror, but we should try nonetheless. We should try to look at flaws without judging them. They are there for a reason, so that we can evolve from them, so that we can improve our future relationships and the most important relationship – the one with our own selves.
Its an interesting place to be in, when you look back and all you can remember and think of, is the memory of how someone’s presence enriched your life, what you learnt from it and how you grew from it and hope that the other person did too. You no more focus on the pain or the hurt or the deliberate breaking down of each other’s strength, that you were so driven to do to at one time.
You can truly let go, when you wish them love and you wish them light and you know in your heart that you will always wish them well wherever they are, whatever they do. This is healing, not just for them but for your own heart too. Sending someone light, no matter how much pain was created in the relationship, is the only way to begin ceasing the pain that resides within your own heart.
So let’s send love and light to all those who touched our hearts and our lives in different ways at different times.
PHOTO (cc): Flickr / -RejiK
Tania, what a beautifully written blog post. Thank you for your raw honesty and for sharing your strength with us.
well written and absolutely true. i've lived exactly this experience. the end of a relationship became the beginning of my awakening by doing exactly all the things you describe here.
What is the definition of a bad marriage? I think any relationship is essentially a two-way street!
Sometimes you, the implied victim, must look in the mirror! There is only so blame to go around!