Wordplay Wednesday: Change

flying
It’s a constant battle
Between two voices in my head
They’re both mine but I don’t trust
The one that in my dreams has led me
Towards a situation
Where I know I won’t be safe
It’s always a man that’s pulling me
But I can’t focus on his face
I try to turn my head to see
So that I remember
What he looks like to report him
It’s like I know how it will end
But I can’t get a hold of what’s real
I feel like I’m sedated
And in my dream that’s my fault
I’m weak and feel frustrated
That I’m not acting like the person
I know myself to be
I can’t even walk in a straight line
But I’m more worried what others will think
About the fact that I can’t seem to
Just pull myself together
It’s like someone turned the world sideways
When I liked it the other way better
He leads me to a party where
My friends all seem to be
And I’m trying to tell them
How scared I am
Of this person
That they don’t see
And as this dream keeps repeating
I think that person might be me
And I’m just pissed off at myself
For always loosing control
My self-destruction goes against
The girl who does what she’s told
And in this ebb and flow I’m safe
I don’t have energy leftover to
Pursue the things I want in life
I know what I need to do
I’m clear on what I care about
And what I do now isn’t it
So what’s keeping me from moving forward?
Why don’t I just quit?
And start down the right path
I’m not afraid I won’t succeed
More though that I will
And where exactly that will lead
Because I’ve gotten so used to
The routine that’s become my life
And my cynical nature
Who and what I do not like
But recently I had this vision
That I’m relatively sure will happen
If I don’t make a change right now
And start to fill my life with passion
I’ll end up the wife at the dinner party
Who always drinks too much wine
And brags about what she could have been
If she’d just taken the time
Well I don’t want to be that person
And I know I’m well on my way
So I’m going to just go for it
And change my life today

I wrote this in 2002 at age 26, after a friend suggested I try to write about a dream I kept having.

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About Sarah McKinney

Sarah McKinney is an entrepreneur, market researcher, writer, musician, poet and yogi. Writing poetry has always been a natural part of her process, used as a way to gain clarity on, and express, what's going on inside. She currently lives in Santa Monica where you can find her doing all the cliched things people in Santa Monica do, and loving every minute of it. Learn more at: http://sarahmck.com/